Planning and Expectations

I have been thinking quite a bit about expectations. We all have them.

I grew up expecting I would be the mother of many, just like my foremothers. I expected to conceive pretty much immediately when I went off the pill in August of 2003. My expectations weren't tempered with thoughts of God's plan, and the proof of that was in how I reacted when all my hopes went unrealized for seven long years.

It is completely normal to have expectations, and really, we should. Every time we remember one of God's promises we expect Him to fulfill it. We expect the sun to rise each day and for mice to scurry and for cello music to be restful. When our expectations lead us to realize God's majesty and control, they solidify our perceived standing in God's plan and our place on earth-- if our expectations are realized, we feel secure.

Proverbs 13:12
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Sometimes, though, expectations are our petty, human way of trying to determine God's plan and attempting to force Him to stick to it.

When God didn't convert my expectations regarding my fertility from thought to reality, I was convinced He was mean, mean and selfish. After all, everyone said kids are a blessing, and why wouldn't God want to bless me? If even the woman addicted to crack down the road could conceive, why couldn't I? Why was she more worthy of blessings?

I was completely off in my thinking, and my expectations were the catalyst for many years of hypocrisy, anger, hatred, and sin.

It is only healthy to have expectations if we feel and view them in the light of God's sovereignty. When we realize that He truly is in control, then our expectations will not create bonds around us if they do not come to fruition.

When I was pregnant with Ilse, I did my best to plan according to all that traditional wisdom taught me. I bought clothes that would fit and be appropriate as she was hitting certain developmental milestones, and I registered for items a healthy baby would need.

Should I have?

Well, yes. It wouldn't be reasonable to PLAN for something terrible to happen, or worse, not to prepare at all. I had no reason to expect anything out of the ordinary would happen. When it did, though, I grieved, but I was not incapacitated with grief like I was when I was infertile. My expectations were just as strong in regards to Ilse as they were in regards to fertility; however, I had learned that sometimes things don't work out, and I had determined in my heart to trust the Lord. I planned from the beginning of the trial that I would not react like I did for the seven long years of no kids. Instead, I decided that I would do well this time. This time my expectations where tempered with the realization that God, not I, makes the plan.

I can't say I truly did well. Certainly I was, and sometimes am, completely stressed out. But I can say that God sustained me, and that I never succumbed to bitterness, anger, or even annoyance at God. I know He loves me and is doing what is best for Ilse and for the rest of us.

What reason is there to be bitter? I have everything I have ever wanted. Maybe not exactly the way I wanted it, but as I have seen, if I had gotten pregnant way back in 2003 with an Ilse, I would have been completely lost as to what to do with her. Wisdom and determination grew in me during those years and now I can take care of her the way she needs to be taken are of, at least most of the time.

A big part of me though has trouble hearing others plan. It hurts a bit when people say they 'will have kids' at such and such a time, or that their kid will wear this kind of clothing at a certain point. I just want to shout...... UM..... you just can't know that!!! I don't, of course, because who wants to be around a person who is continually shouting. :) and I don't personally want to be everyone's cautionary tale.

What my heart longs to hear people say instead is, "it is likely that...." or "If God plans it, then...." Probably I am just being picky, because logically people don't generally have issues like I have had (first infertility and then an Ilse) but what if what we say really shows what is in our hearts? We know it does according to Scripture, and so I want to be especially careful to form my speech around acknowledging that God might plan differently that I do. My expectations MUST be conformed to reality and NOT my own dreams. Reality is that God is in control.

James 4:13-17

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.

Healthy Living, Clean Living, Regular Living

Tim and I decided earlier this year to live in a more frugal manner, and for the most part we have done really well. I no longer plan to get a Starbucks drink the fight before I am going to drive by that well beloved place, and now, if I am going to get a drink, sometimes I forget and pass the joint. That always give me a bit of a happy feeling, believe it or not.

I have recognized the same old problem with myself, and I would bet that it is a human wide problem. The more tired or stressed I am, the more I waver on my commitments not to eat out and not to grab a coffee. The number of nights I get up in the night to feed my baby is directly proportionate to the likelihood that I will go to Starbucks on my way home from taking Tim to work.

That is a terrible failing.

Because of this failing, the last couple weeks have not been a boasting point for me. Not that I should last about it anyway, and I am not, but for sure these last couple of weeks I absolutely cannot boast. No reason for boasting here.

What I have been doing well at these last few weeks is my housecleaning. I have rearranged my room and that always involves a good old fashioned clean up and and clean out. We aren't done with it because we have just both gotten so incredibly tired. I have wondered if I have Parvo or something since I am so achy, or maybe I am just spending too much time on the floor with Ilse. Whatever the cause, we have been too tired to finish the room, but it certainly does look nicer.

I also cleaned some blinds, mopped some (very) dirty floors, and have been keeping up with my laundry. I am very happy with how all of that is going.

I have also been spending a lot of time teaching the boys some things we have been quite lax on, like how to respond to a question about something they did. The answers tend to involve other people, like blaming parents or each other, and we are working on having them begin their explanations with the personal pronoun 'I' and not use anyone else's name in the explanation. Adam and Eve would have benefited from that lesson, so I want the boys to have it. Their wives will appreciate their ability to take responsibility, too, I am sure.

We are also working with one son on the difference between trying to be bad and not trying to be good. (I know the words bad and good in relation to children aren't very popular, but there's no getting around it, sin is bad and no sin is good.) This one son doesn't try to be good. He thinks he lives in do-whatever-he-wants world, and he doesn't care if it is good or bad. If he wants to do it, he will. I had a long talk with him today on how important it is to be an active obey-er instead of a passive naughty boy. He needs to TRY to behave. I think this road with him is going to be very long.

Update:

Last night I broke down and took some ibuprofen for my aches, and I feel so much better today! Hopefully this will be a day of getting some good things done.

All in all, we are happy around here, and we are waiting on the doctors appointment for Ilse's blood. Hopefully that will be soon.

Downton Abbey Critique

I haven't written a post like this in a long time, but after watching Downton Abbey this past Sunday night I had some thoughts that I would like to get out into the blogosphere, and, hopefully, influence some for good.

We sat down as a family to watch Downton Abbey. We have only let the boys watch one other episode, and even after that episode we had some situations and actions to talk about. Themes like courage, deception, etc. come to mind. This episode that we watched on Sunday had themes that I don't even feel like I can address with my little kids; in fact, we had to have them turn their heads a few times, which, although a time honored tradition among parents, is not, as it turns out, for us. In short, I think we (I) made a dreadful mistake letting the boys watch that episode, and now I think it is time to go back to our almost no TV or movies policy with them. We don't see any reason to expose them to trash at this age when we are still working on teaching them what is right.

Downton Abbey was very disappointing to me. People I had heretofore considered fairly upstanding took a dreadful turn for the immoral, and indeed, it made me recall little warning signs that had been presented earlier. I'll only mention a few of the characters.

Lord Grantham.....

He originally married for money but came to love his wife. However, when they disagreed about something, whether or not to fight the entail, who Mary should be pushed to marry, etc., he was very quick to turn against his wife. His disagreements with his wife led him eventually to be unfaithful to her. He kissed a maid. Lord Grantham did take precautions, finally, that he may not actually have sex with the maid by essentially asking her to leave, which she also was planning to do, but oh, how he wanted to.

The Dowager Lady Grantham.....

She values family above all else, even the rule of law and others' feelings. She called Lavinia's death her last 'gift to us.' She is always scheming. She is utterly prideful.

Lady Mary.....

Promiscuous, but regretful. Was she regretful because she was found out? I believe so. Although she seemed to respect Lavinia's claim on Matthew for a few episodes, in the end she kissed him. She also waffled back and forth about accepting Matthew's proposal because she wanted to be sure he was going to be rich first. She would be a great heroine for a book called Persuasion: Downton Abbey.

Lady Sybil.....

I had really liked her. I do still like her. But she who I assumed was so wonderful-- a nurse, kind, etc., was really rebellious. She wanted her own way and she insisted on it, regardless of what her father- her head- directed her to do. The Bible tells us to obey the authorities over us even if they are unreasonable, and while her family certainly was unreasonable, her father was still her head and she should have obeyed him. She was into politics, but she pursued them knowing her father didn't want her to. Indeed, she lied to him about where she was going. Then this week she told him she as going to marry who she wanted regardless if what he wanted. That is pure rebellion.

Thomas....

He sure got his just desserts! He decided to break the law and begin dealing on the black market, and he got cheated. He is another character who is always scheming, against William, Carson, Bates, etc.. He is not admirable in the slightest.


This show is beautifully presented and certainly is interesting. Just like other shows, though, it wraps sin up into a pretty package and gets us rooting for the sin to actually happen before we even realize it. Which of us wanted Lavinia to get to marry Matthew? I bet most of us wanted something to happen so that Matthew and Mary could be together after all, no matter how Lavinia or the other dude (Mary's fiancé) was hurt in the process. I bet most people were anxiously waiting for Mrs. Bates to exit, one way or another, so pretty little Anna could have her happiness. We should have been hoping Mr. Bates would be faithful to his wife, no matter how scandalous she was. And Anna is presented as a truly sweet maid, and yet, she flat out offered herself up as a mistress to Mr. Bates!

While I will not, at this juncture in my life, commit to stop watching shows like Downton Abbey, it is definitely something to consider. How much of a hypocrite does that make me?? It feels like it makes me quite a terrible hypocrite. We all have the lines we draw for ourselves regarding what we will watch or read. Perhaps it is time to reassess them according to the guidelines in Scripture instead of allowing ourselves to be sucked into worldy theology simply because something is wrapped up in a nice package with pretty cinematography and beautiful music.

Joey and helpfulness

Lately, Joey is Mr. Helpful.

We had an unfortunate incident over here recently that I don't feel free to write about, but it resulted in me having a long discussion with the boys about being helpful.

Our philosophy of helpfulness is this:

If someone asks for help, agree. Furthermore, it is necessary to agree with a cheerful, extremely helpful comment like, "Absolutely! I would be happy to help in any way I can. Just tell me what you would like me to do and I will do it."

Then you do it, without any complaining whatsoever. Furthermore, you help without any comment that makes the needy person feel, in any way, that you're inconvenienced at all. To let them think you are inconvenienced is not helpful.

There are only a few times it would be appropriate to say that you can't help.

1. Someone other than you would be hurt... like your infant child would starve if you were gone.

2. Sin would occur...... like when the person is asking for a getaway driver.

3. You would be physically damaged...... as in, it would break your leg.

There are maybe a few more that I can't think of right now. If they come extremely readily to your mind though, perhaps they fall more into the categories below of when you should help.

There are some times when it would certainly inconvenience you to say yes. Someone might call you in the night because they feel so sick and don't know what to do..... go help them. Someone might need a television..... Ok, want a television so they can watch a game that is coming on. Go help them. And that example leads us to another situation.

What about when someone claims they need help when you just don't think they do? Or maybe you think if they just did xyz a different way then they wouldn't need help.

Help them anyway. Nobody made us the police of the proper way to need help. No one decided that we could play God and choose when a need is holy enough for us to help with. No one decided that we could only help with things that we might need help with some day.

So after we had this discussion with the boys, Joey emerged triumphant. He decided he wanted to be a helper. A few times since then he has decided to test what would happen if he wasn't helpful, and we had the talk again.

Usually he says to me, "Yes! I am happy to help!" And that makes my heart so happy. One of my methods for teaching joyful helping to my boys is to give the most happy grateful "thank you!" that my voice can produce. I say it loudly, so everyone around hears it. That makes the helper feel good and it makes the other child want to receive a 'thank you' too. And lately, both boys have started helping without being asked. If one of them sees clothes of Ilse's, or an extension or a dirty bag on the floor, they put it where it goes. Ahhhhhhh. :)

There are a few people in my life who are helpful no matter what. My parents are two of them. My mother gives up her every Wednesday to come rescue me from my house. She encourages me, reads to my boys, and holds my daughter. My dad is unbelievably helpful too. He crawled up into my attic. He got up super early on his day off to watch my boys so I could get Tim to his surgery. He apologized over and over for forgetting to put a light switch plate back on.... He is the most gracious helper.

Tim's dad came over late one night to fix my washer. I appreciated that so much, I can't even tell you. If you have seen my laundry you know how important that was to me, and he happily fixed it.

There are a few others who help with joy.

And even though it makes me sad when someone obviously doesn't want to help me, I know that I am not the police of helpers. I can only teach my boys how to be helpers, and I can point out to them good helpers. And, most importantly, I can demonstrate good helping to them.

I want to be the kind of person who will drop everything I need to do and go help someone. I know I have done that before, and I am thankful that I know I can. In my teenage years, I loathed helping others, I distinctly remember hating helping Miss Donna and Mrs. Donnelly. I just didn't like to get my hands dirty. Oh, I would help, if I couldn't get out of it, but I only helped because of who would see me.

Thankfully the Lord gave me good examples, but, I am sad to say, even now there are definitely times I don't like to help. And most horribly, sometimes I discourage my husband from helping.

What complete and utter scandalousness. What horrible, horrible sin that is.

With the Lord's help, I can be a good helper.

And with the Lord's help, you can be too.

A Thanksgiving Poem

I tried to post this a minute ago, but it didn't post correctly.

Gratefulnesse, from The Temple (1633)

By George Herbert

Thou that hast giv’n so much to me,

Give one thing more, a gratefull heart.

See how thy beggar works on thee

By art.

He makes Thy gifts occasion more,

And sayes, If he in this be crost,

All Thou hast giv’n him heretofore

Is lost.

But Thou didst reckon, when at first

Thy word our hearts and hands did crave,

What it would come to at the worst

To save.

Perpetually knockings at Thy doore,

Tears sullying Thy transparent rooms,

Gift upon gift, much would have more,

And comes.

This notwithstanding, thou wentst on,

And didst allow us all our noise:

Nay, Thou hast made a sigh and grone

Thy joyes.

Not that Thou hast not still above

Much better tunes, then grones can make;

But that these countrey-aires Thy love

Did take.

Wherefore I crie, and crie again;

And in no quiet canst Thou be,

Till I a thankfull heart obtain

Of Thee:

Not thankfull, when it pleaseth me;

As if Thy blessings had spare dayes:

But such a heart, whose pulse may be

Thy praise.

We are still here

God's mercy has definitely been displayed to us this last week or so. Today was the hardest day Tim and I have had in a long time. After a week with about two to three hours of sleep a night, I in particular really needed a good night's sleep last night. It did not happen. Ise cried basically all night long. She has been running a fever since getting her shots on Thursday, and on top of that she is teething-- whether it is early or not, she has decided that she wants teeth.

So after little to no sleep last night, today was slated to be difficult, and it was. I finally started to feel human around six tonight and was able to start getting some things done. We went and got Ilse a new back pack for her milk, and I ran in to walmart to pick up a few things I'd forgotten the other day when dee and I went shopping.

We came home And let the boys play a bit and I gave ilse her bath. She hadn't had a bath in a few days, since we hadn't even gotten the groceries out of the car. I know, those things don't seem to go together, but they do since I had purchased some new soap and lotion for her to try to combat her eczema problem before it gets debilitating. We had been so tired that we hadn't been able to even unload the car. It's done now, thankfully! And Ilse is all clean again.

Even though these days are sometimes very difficult, Tim and I are so thankful for each little blessing God has given us, from the littlest baby Ilse to our great big boys. Today I was especially thankful for my sweet sister dee who came over to this ugly heap of a house and helped me clean my room up. That was a huge help today and yesterday when we had an unexpected visitor. There was no room for poor ya-ya and sarah on the couch, but my room was clean enough to visit in. Lol.

I need to be easier on myself and remember a couple things:

1. Ilse is still little and there many extra things involved with her care (and the boys' care, for that matter) that other people don't deal with with their kids, and so we aren't going to be or look the same. What another mother of three might be able to get done when her baby is four months might be another couple months away for us.

2. It has only been the last two months that I have been trying to get my life back on track. That's not very long, and I need to give myself a break. The month Ilse was in the nicu was unbelievable difficult, and the month after that was a month of recovery. We still aren't recovered, exactly... I cried the other day talking to Ivy about it. That experience left too many emotional scars to count. I am thankful the Lord knows and loves us through it. He is not up in heaven shaking a stick at me if my bathroom floor is hairy (post pregnancy hair loss, you know.... Wait, who am I kidding? All of us women are plagued with hair on a our floors.) and He is patient with me when I can't do things perfectly like getting to church on time all the time or remember to pay bills. Yes, I've forgotten a few here and there.

The Lord is unbelievably gracious. I have probably said this on my blog before, but I have had to make myself the rule that I can't sign up for anything that I can't get out of. Things happen and Ilse doesn't sleep, and I have things to do, et. cetera. And the Lord is gracious. That deserves saying more than once.

But sitting here with my sweet babies asleep in their room, and my littlest sweet baby asleep in her crib, I am undeniably happy, even though Ilse is doing the little "I'm still crying in my heart" breathing sound in her sleep. Ilse breaks my heart when she screams and cries through her baths because she doesn't feel well or is tired, and I break my heart when I yell at Christopher for going so darn slow and have to ask his forgiveness... praying together for God to forgive mommy and make her heart clean again.

But God it still gracious, and He shows His love to us in so many wonderful ways, not the least of which is the sweet forgiveness of my sons when I wrong them.

Oh the depths of the riches, the wisdom of God,
How immeasurable is His grace,
How unfailing His kindness, how far removed His wrath,
And His mercies are new each day.
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things,
To Him be glory forevermore, to Him be glory forever!
Amen! Amen! Amen.

Lessons for the Boys

One of the things we're trying to teach the boys is to obey immediately with a happy attitude as evidenced by a cheerful face. I don't know about you other parents, but I personally do not like to see a child who has a mad face while they do what their parents said. A happy heart will come out on the face, and I find that if we have the boys smile, their whole attitude changes.

Bam-Bam worked a long time this morning on saying "Yes, Mommy" with a smile instead of a frown.

Just as delayed obedience is no obedience, so is grudging obedience no obedience.

I hardly think it pleases the Lord when we serve with a hateful attitude or a frown on our face.

Neither does it make my heart glad when the boys grudgingly obey.