I have been thinking quite a bit about expectations. We all have them.
I grew up expecting I would be the mother of many, just like my foremothers. I expected to conceive pretty much immediately when I went off the pill in August of 2003. My expectations weren't tempered with thoughts of God's plan, and the proof of that was in how I reacted when all my hopes went unrealized for seven long years.
It is completely normal to have expectations, and really, we should. Every time we remember one of God's promises we expect Him to fulfill it. We expect the sun to rise each day and for mice to scurry and for cello music to be restful. When our expectations lead us to realize God's majesty and control, they solidify our perceived standing in God's plan and our place on earth-- if our expectations are realized, we feel secure.
Proverbs 13:12
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Sometimes, though, expectations are our petty, human way of trying to determine God's plan and attempting to force Him to stick to it.
When God didn't convert my expectations regarding my fertility from thought to reality, I was convinced He was mean, mean and selfish. After all, everyone said kids are a blessing, and why wouldn't God want to bless me? If even the woman addicted to crack down the road could conceive, why couldn't I? Why was she more worthy of blessings?
I was completely off in my thinking, and my expectations were the catalyst for many years of hypocrisy, anger, hatred, and sin.
It is only healthy to have expectations if we feel and view them in the light of God's sovereignty. When we realize that He truly is in control, then our expectations will not create bonds around us if they do not come to fruition.
When I was pregnant with Ilse, I did my best to plan according to all that traditional wisdom taught me. I bought clothes that would fit and be appropriate as she was hitting certain developmental milestones, and I registered for items a healthy baby would need.
Should I have?
Well, yes. It wouldn't be reasonable to PLAN for something terrible to happen, or worse, not to prepare at all. I had no reason to expect anything out of the ordinary would happen. When it did, though, I grieved, but I was not incapacitated with grief like I was when I was infertile. My expectations were just as strong in regards to Ilse as they were in regards to fertility; however, I had learned that sometimes things don't work out, and I had determined in my heart to trust the Lord. I planned from the beginning of the trial that I would not react like I did for the seven long years of no kids. Instead, I decided that I would do well this time. This time my expectations where tempered with the realization that God, not I, makes the plan.
I can't say I truly did well. Certainly I was, and sometimes am, completely stressed out. But I can say that God sustained me, and that I never succumbed to bitterness, anger, or even annoyance at God. I know He loves me and is doing what is best for Ilse and for the rest of us.
What reason is there to be bitter? I have everything I have ever wanted. Maybe not exactly the way I wanted it, but as I have seen, if I had gotten pregnant way back in 2003 with an Ilse, I would have been completely lost as to what to do with her. Wisdom and determination grew in me during those years and now I can take care of her the way she needs to be taken are of, at least most of the time.
A big part of me though has trouble hearing others plan. It hurts a bit when people say they 'will have kids' at such and such a time, or that their kid will wear this kind of clothing at a certain point. I just want to shout...... UM..... you just can't know that!!! I don't, of course, because who wants to be around a person who is continually shouting. :) and I don't personally want to be everyone's cautionary tale.
What my heart longs to hear people say instead is, "it is likely that...." or "If God plans it, then...." Probably I am just being picky, because logically people don't generally have issues like I have had (first infertility and then an Ilse) but what if what we say really shows what is in our hearts? We know it does according to Scripture, and so I want to be especially careful to form my speech around acknowledging that God might plan differently that I do. My expectations MUST be conformed to reality and NOT my own dreams. Reality is that God is in control.
James 4:13-17
"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, February 14, 2011
My Friend Jess and God's Truth
I've been thinking about my dear friend Jess. I've known her since 1983, and we've been buds ever since then. We've had our off times, but on the whole, we've been friends since we were 2.
We have a picture of us in 1983 or 84 with our arms around each other, and when we were 15 or 16 we had another picture taken, and voila, we were standing in exactly the same position. Even our fingers were positioned the same.
I've gone to the hospital for all her babies' births, even though for the first two I didn't think she'd ever get to return the favor. I love her very much.
This last pregnancy has been hard on her and her family. It's been high risk, but the Lord has been faithful. After a particularly difficult weekend last weekend, and then bed rest for a week, and then this past weekend, Jess and Hyde have a beautiful little baby boy, Knox. He's tiny since he's very early, but the Lord has His hand on him.
Everything Jess and Hyde went through this last week made me think of a kids' song.
What a Mighty Hand
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
Humble yourselves, humble yourselves
Under God's mighty hand
Humble yourselves, humble yourselves
Under God's mighty hand (What a mighty hand!)
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
For it was He who made you and me
and every creature in the sea
For it was He who made you and me
and every creature in the sea (underneath the sea!)
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand has He.
I don't know who wrote that song, but it got me to thinking about what we consider mighty.
I heard myself saying something on Saturday that I completely disagree with. I told someone that it could have been a really bad day. Well, emotionally, yes. If my friend or her baby had died that day, it would have been a very hard day emotionally.
But it still would have been a good day. It still would have been a day under God's Mighty hand.
Psalm 115:
"Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to Your name give glory, because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth. Why should the nations say, “Where, now, is their God?” But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases. Their idols are silver and gold, the work of man’s hands. They have mouths, but they cannot speak; they have eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but they cannot hear; they have noses, but they cannot smell; they have hands, but they cannot feel; they have feet, but they cannot walk; they cannot make a sound with their throat. Those who make them will become like them, everyone who trusts in them.
O Israel, trust in the LORD ; He is their help and their shield. O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield. You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield. The LORD has been mindful of us; He will bless us; He will bless the house of Israel; He will bless the house of Aaron. He will bless those who fear the LORD, the small together with the great. May the LORD give you increase, you and your children. May you be blessed of the LORD, Maker of heaven and earth. The heavens are the heavens of the LORD, but the earth He has given to the sons of men. The dead do not praise the LORD, nor do any who go down into silence; but as for us, we will bless the LORD from this time forth and forever. Praise the LORD!"
I bolded the part about God doing whatever He pleases. At first thought, that isn't comforting at all. It certainly wasn't comforting when Tim and I were dealing with infertility. However, that doesn't reflect on God or Christianity, instead, it reflects on my own lack of faith and spiritual sight.
Now, however, I can see that it is comforting. Here's why:
John 16:27
"The Father Himself loves YOU."
God loves believers.
And here's my other proof:
Psalm 119:65-68
"You have dealt well with Your servant, O LORD, according to Your word. Teach me good discernment and knowledge, for I believe in Your commandments. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word. You are good and do good; teach me Your statutes."
God does whatever He pleases, and it is good because He is GOOD.
We have a picture of us in 1983 or 84 with our arms around each other, and when we were 15 or 16 we had another picture taken, and voila, we were standing in exactly the same position. Even our fingers were positioned the same.
I've gone to the hospital for all her babies' births, even though for the first two I didn't think she'd ever get to return the favor. I love her very much.
This last pregnancy has been hard on her and her family. It's been high risk, but the Lord has been faithful. After a particularly difficult weekend last weekend, and then bed rest for a week, and then this past weekend, Jess and Hyde have a beautiful little baby boy, Knox. He's tiny since he's very early, but the Lord has His hand on him.
Everything Jess and Hyde went through this last week made me think of a kids' song.
What a Mighty Hand
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
Humble yourselves, humble yourselves
Under God's mighty hand
Humble yourselves, humble yourselves
Under God's mighty hand (What a mighty hand!)
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
For it was He who made you and me
and every creature in the sea
For it was He who made you and me
and every creature in the sea (underneath the sea!)
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand has He.
I don't know who wrote that song, but it got me to thinking about what we consider mighty.
I heard myself saying something on Saturday that I completely disagree with. I told someone that it could have been a really bad day. Well, emotionally, yes. If my friend or her baby had died that day, it would have been a very hard day emotionally.
But it still would have been a good day. It still would have been a day under God's Mighty hand.
Psalm 115:
"Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to Your name give glory, because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth. Why should the nations say, “Where, now, is their God?” But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases. Their idols are silver and gold, the work of man’s hands. They have mouths, but they cannot speak; they have eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but they cannot hear; they have noses, but they cannot smell; they have hands, but they cannot feel; they have feet, but they cannot walk; they cannot make a sound with their throat. Those who make them will become like them, everyone who trusts in them.
O Israel, trust in the LORD ; He is their help and their shield. O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield. You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield. The LORD has been mindful of us; He will bless us; He will bless the house of Israel; He will bless the house of Aaron. He will bless those who fear the LORD, the small together with the great. May the LORD give you increase, you and your children. May you be blessed of the LORD, Maker of heaven and earth. The heavens are the heavens of the LORD, but the earth He has given to the sons of men. The dead do not praise the LORD, nor do any who go down into silence; but as for us, we will bless the LORD from this time forth and forever. Praise the LORD!"
I bolded the part about God doing whatever He pleases. At first thought, that isn't comforting at all. It certainly wasn't comforting when Tim and I were dealing with infertility. However, that doesn't reflect on God or Christianity, instead, it reflects on my own lack of faith and spiritual sight.
Now, however, I can see that it is comforting. Here's why:
John 16:27
"The Father Himself loves YOU."
God loves believers.
And here's my other proof:
Psalm 119:65-68
"You have dealt well with Your servant, O LORD, according to Your word. Teach me good discernment and knowledge, for I believe in Your commandments. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word. You are good and do good; teach me Your statutes."
God does whatever He pleases, and it is good because He is GOOD.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Trial Aftermath
I have been struggling lately with guilt. I know it's all so stupid, but I still feel guilty over.....
how content I am.
For years I struggled with contentment. For years I thought God was just some big old meanie who obviously didn't care about me.
And it is so ironic that within a year of beginning to believe that God really is good no matter what, changing my attitude and loving him even though he was not giving me what I wanted, and trusting that he was being good even if it didn't feel like it, he blesses us-- not exactly the way we thought he would. So differently, in fact, that we almost said no when Covenant Kids called us about these boys. Instead of a perfect little baby, God blessed us with two incredibly perfect boys.
Tim and I were talking, and if we could go back and stay off birth control the first year of our marriage, which, maybe, just maybe, would have resulted in a baby, we still wouldn't trade these boys for that child. These boys are the blessing that God made us wait for.... for seven very long and hard years.
Looking back, I can see that God knew exactly what he was doing. He really was 'holding out on us' to give us something BETTER. A better character, more faith, a changed heart, the most wonderful children.
I wish I could have been content all those years, and I wish I always could have known that God is good. But, hahaha, then what would have been the point of having the trial? And we wouldn't have these boys.
Even though it took seven years to get it right, I did, and God knows that I was trusting and loving him the last several months, even through my depression last Christmas, even through this last horrible Mother's Day, and even through Memorial Day weekend when I cried.
And then on June 1, God forever changed my life. He changed my role, he changed my schedule, he changed how I act, because after all, two precious boys are learning from me every minute. When they say to me, "I watch you, Mommy!" they don't just mean for five minutes while I clean, even if that's what they think they mean. They mean in life. They are watching me to see how to act in life. And I don't want them to learn that it's ok to flip out if you are hot, tired, and hungry. I don't want them to learn that it is ok to get mad if I spill something (just an example; I actually don't struggle with that one.)
God changed me. It was sudden. I'm so glad I went to see Craig that day close to the end of the year. I'm so glad I reacted to his correction the way I needed to. I'm glad God gave us these years.
I remember back in youth group, my stupid melancholy self got all weepy and dumb the time we went around the room giving our testimonies. I just quietly said that I didn't have one. I didn't remember when I trusted Christ, so I couldn't have a testimony, right?
Well, I do now. My testimony spans about 7 years of hell, during which time God taught me to trust him. That doesn't mean I'll never struggle with it again, but by George, I'm determined to do all that's in my power, with God's help, to remember what he did for me.
Our boys are complete blessings. They are gifts from a gracious God, no matter how long they are here. I believe that God has given them to us to raise until they're grown, but if they leave or if they die, I am determined to arrive at that time remembering that GOD IS GOOD.
how content I am.
For years I struggled with contentment. For years I thought God was just some big old meanie who obviously didn't care about me.
And it is so ironic that within a year of beginning to believe that God really is good no matter what, changing my attitude and loving him even though he was not giving me what I wanted, and trusting that he was being good even if it didn't feel like it, he blesses us-- not exactly the way we thought he would. So differently, in fact, that we almost said no when Covenant Kids called us about these boys. Instead of a perfect little baby, God blessed us with two incredibly perfect boys.
Tim and I were talking, and if we could go back and stay off birth control the first year of our marriage, which, maybe, just maybe, would have resulted in a baby, we still wouldn't trade these boys for that child. These boys are the blessing that God made us wait for.... for seven very long and hard years.
Looking back, I can see that God knew exactly what he was doing. He really was 'holding out on us' to give us something BETTER. A better character, more faith, a changed heart, the most wonderful children.
I wish I could have been content all those years, and I wish I always could have known that God is good. But, hahaha, then what would have been the point of having the trial? And we wouldn't have these boys.
Even though it took seven years to get it right, I did, and God knows that I was trusting and loving him the last several months, even through my depression last Christmas, even through this last horrible Mother's Day, and even through Memorial Day weekend when I cried.
And then on June 1, God forever changed my life. He changed my role, he changed my schedule, he changed how I act, because after all, two precious boys are learning from me every minute. When they say to me, "I watch you, Mommy!" they don't just mean for five minutes while I clean, even if that's what they think they mean. They mean in life. They are watching me to see how to act in life. And I don't want them to learn that it's ok to flip out if you are hot, tired, and hungry. I don't want them to learn that it is ok to get mad if I spill something (just an example; I actually don't struggle with that one.)
God changed me. It was sudden. I'm so glad I went to see Craig that day close to the end of the year. I'm so glad I reacted to his correction the way I needed to. I'm glad God gave us these years.
I remember back in youth group, my stupid melancholy self got all weepy and dumb the time we went around the room giving our testimonies. I just quietly said that I didn't have one. I didn't remember when I trusted Christ, so I couldn't have a testimony, right?
Well, I do now. My testimony spans about 7 years of hell, during which time God taught me to trust him. That doesn't mean I'll never struggle with it again, but by George, I'm determined to do all that's in my power, with God's help, to remember what he did for me.
Our boys are complete blessings. They are gifts from a gracious God, no matter how long they are here. I believe that God has given them to us to raise until they're grown, but if they leave or if they die, I am determined to arrive at that time remembering that GOD IS GOOD.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Trial of Loss
I just finished reading the book ‘When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden’, by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, and let me tell you, I have never been able to put so well the feelings that infertility brings. The book also addresses pregnancy loss, and while I have never experienced it, I have some dear friends who have.
Loss brings many different kinds of feelings. While the reasons for feeling a loss are different (the infertile person grieves the loss of a dream, primary or secondary role in life, the pregnancy experience, and a natural urge, and the person who has endured pregnancy loss grieves the loss of a child she has actually carried), both an infertile person and one who has lost a child will experience some of the following feelings (the ones with asterisks are addressed at the bottom of this post):
Grief
Being more tired than normal
*Depression
*Wondering why
Feeling guilty, like it was their fault
Emotional pain at random times
Unexpected tears
*Uncertainty of the future—will I be able to conceive again, should I get rid of the crib?
The length of time someone has been pregnant does not necessarily determine the amount of emotional pain the person will have. Someone can be just as attached to their child at 8 weeks as at 32, and the child is no less loved if it didn’t have a name and a known personality. Either way, the loss is huge and can’t be overestimated.
The length of time a person has been infertile also does not necessarily determine the pain he or she experiences on a daily basis, either. While time heals all wounds, it is the person and the Lord who will determine when the pain will lessen. Others cannot decide when it is best to ‘move on’. That very phrase is incredibly hurtful.
People are varied; God created some who heal from loss quickly, others may hurt for months or even decades. Neither length of time, however, means that the person has forgotten the loss, and a stab of pain or tears can come at any time. As believers, we must make room for all kinds of people, and we should never make them feel like their grief is inconvenient to us.
Through all the feelings of sorrow and confusion, it is important for the person to be able to say, “God, this stinks, but I love you, and I trust you anyway.” This is hard at first for some people, but unkind words from ‘comforters’ will not help.
People who haven’t experienced loss should be very careful in how they respond to people who are in the midst of a trial.
The following phrases are not comforting to the average person:
You’ll be ok.
*Just trust God.
At least you weren’t pregnant very long.
Person X had it way worse than you, so you should be grateful.
You can get pregnant again.
At least you have other kids; can’t you be happy with them?
*God is in control.
Instead, say or do something like:
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am praying for you; I know this week will be especially hard.
I would like to bring you a meal this week. If you will be home X night, I’ll bring it then.
May I help you with child care this week?
I will come sit with you any time.
When you are ready to talk about it, I’ll be here to listen. Until then, I am praying for you!
(Hug)
Cry with them
*Depression:
Depression is sadness, and sadness is what one is supposed to feel when something bad happens. If you don’t feel sadness, you’re either ignorant or a sociopath. Depression, though, shouldn’t be ignorant of the future… that is, a person who is incredibly sad should still seek to have his or her eyes on God. Depression doesn’t necessarily mean that someone isn’t trusting God. It is unfair and judgmental to assume that it does. If the person can say, “God, this is horrible! I am so sad that it is hard to accomplish anything, but I still love you, and I know you love me. Help me!” then the person is not in need of an intervention. More than likely, they just need comfort, and not comfort like Job’s ‘friends’ offered. God has not let go of the person who is sad, and the person who is sad has not necessarily let go of God. After all, the one who is saved cannot be separated from God. I know. I’ve experienced his strong hold.
*Wondering Why:
It is easy to wonder why God let a loss occur. It is not a sin to wonder this, and it is not a sin to ask God to help you understand his plan. Maturity, though, is demonstrated by loving and submitting to God even when we don’t understand.
Some reasons for God’s allowing loss/trials to happen are:
1. So he can give us something better.
Ruth was infertile for 10 years in her first marriage. Had she had a child, she would have sacrificed him to Molech because of where she lived and what she believed. But, after enduring those ten years, her husband died, and she married Boaz. She conceived then, the ancestor of the Messiah. No doubt had she known God’s plan, and that she was going to be the ancestor of the Messiah, she would have cheerfully endured the 10 years of pain. Bearing the Messiah is unquestionably better than sacrificing a child to Molech.
The ‘better’ thing God might want to give us might not be a child. Instead, it could be something like Joseph experienced. He endured a trial for years, so he could save two nations from a famine. Savings millions of lives is unquestionably better than being back at home living as a younger brother of some bullies.
Unfortunately, people can’t see God’s plan. We’re not omniscient; we can only go on the information we have in the Bible, which is all we need for godliness. Sadness is present, but trust in God can be too. God is trustworthy, and he is capable of proving it. He proves it to us all the time; sometimes it just takes a bit longer to see it. God will take care of the hurting one no matter how that person is feeling at the time. God is faithful.
2. So we can comfort others.
I have personally seen this happen in my life. The Fuquas were huge comforts to Tim and me, and had they not experienced the loss of Kelsey, they wouldn’t have been able to help us the same way.
Consider 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Sometimes our trial isn’t about us, it’s about someone else.
3. So God can mold our character.
This is not always the reason we suffer, but it can be the reason. If God is molding our character, though, don’t fall into the trap of believing that if you would just change, then God would give you what you want. That isn’t the way God works.
*Uncertainty of the future:
While it is true that none of us knows what the future holds, that kind of uncertainty is not what a person experiencing loss feels. A person living a normal life has a reasonable certainty that various things will happen. He knows that more than likely he’ll get a job, get married, pay taxes, have kids, and a myriad of other things. Those things are pretty normal, and kids are taught from the time they’re small that ‘some day you’ll go to work like Daddy!’
The person experiencing infertility or pregnancy loss, though, lives with uncertainty in ways the average person never has.
The infertile woman….
might not buy new clothes, because the next treatment just might work, and those skinny clothes will go to waste!
Will not know if she should take that promotion at work, because she will quit when she gets pregnant.
Will not schedule a fun trip with her husband, because it might fall during the two weeks where she can’t be up and around because of a medical procedure that had to be done right then.
A person who has lost a child might wonder if she will ever be able to conceive again. She might be scared this will all happen again.
*Just trust God and *God is in control:
While these comments have spiritual truth, they seem like platitudes to people who are deep in the trenches of suffering.
Please, please remember that sadness does NOT equal distrust of God! To remind someone to trust God is to say: “You are sinning in experiencing an honest emotion, and neither God nor I care about what you are feeling.”
These are just some of the thoughts I’ve been having since reading the book. I’m sure I’ll post more on it at some point.
Loss brings many different kinds of feelings. While the reasons for feeling a loss are different (the infertile person grieves the loss of a dream, primary or secondary role in life, the pregnancy experience, and a natural urge, and the person who has endured pregnancy loss grieves the loss of a child she has actually carried), both an infertile person and one who has lost a child will experience some of the following feelings (the ones with asterisks are addressed at the bottom of this post):
Grief
Being more tired than normal
*Depression
*Wondering why
Feeling guilty, like it was their fault
Emotional pain at random times
Unexpected tears
*Uncertainty of the future—will I be able to conceive again, should I get rid of the crib?
The length of time someone has been pregnant does not necessarily determine the amount of emotional pain the person will have. Someone can be just as attached to their child at 8 weeks as at 32, and the child is no less loved if it didn’t have a name and a known personality. Either way, the loss is huge and can’t be overestimated.
The length of time a person has been infertile also does not necessarily determine the pain he or she experiences on a daily basis, either. While time heals all wounds, it is the person and the Lord who will determine when the pain will lessen. Others cannot decide when it is best to ‘move on’. That very phrase is incredibly hurtful.
People are varied; God created some who heal from loss quickly, others may hurt for months or even decades. Neither length of time, however, means that the person has forgotten the loss, and a stab of pain or tears can come at any time. As believers, we must make room for all kinds of people, and we should never make them feel like their grief is inconvenient to us.
Through all the feelings of sorrow and confusion, it is important for the person to be able to say, “God, this stinks, but I love you, and I trust you anyway.” This is hard at first for some people, but unkind words from ‘comforters’ will not help.
People who haven’t experienced loss should be very careful in how they respond to people who are in the midst of a trial.
The following phrases are not comforting to the average person:
You’ll be ok.
*Just trust God.
At least you weren’t pregnant very long.
Person X had it way worse than you, so you should be grateful.
You can get pregnant again.
At least you have other kids; can’t you be happy with them?
*God is in control.
Instead, say or do something like:
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am praying for you; I know this week will be especially hard.
I would like to bring you a meal this week. If you will be home X night, I’ll bring it then.
May I help you with child care this week?
I will come sit with you any time.
When you are ready to talk about it, I’ll be here to listen. Until then, I am praying for you!
(Hug)
Cry with them
*Depression:
Depression is sadness, and sadness is what one is supposed to feel when something bad happens. If you don’t feel sadness, you’re either ignorant or a sociopath. Depression, though, shouldn’t be ignorant of the future… that is, a person who is incredibly sad should still seek to have his or her eyes on God. Depression doesn’t necessarily mean that someone isn’t trusting God. It is unfair and judgmental to assume that it does. If the person can say, “God, this is horrible! I am so sad that it is hard to accomplish anything, but I still love you, and I know you love me. Help me!” then the person is not in need of an intervention. More than likely, they just need comfort, and not comfort like Job’s ‘friends’ offered. God has not let go of the person who is sad, and the person who is sad has not necessarily let go of God. After all, the one who is saved cannot be separated from God. I know. I’ve experienced his strong hold.
*Wondering Why:
It is easy to wonder why God let a loss occur. It is not a sin to wonder this, and it is not a sin to ask God to help you understand his plan. Maturity, though, is demonstrated by loving and submitting to God even when we don’t understand.
Some reasons for God’s allowing loss/trials to happen are:
1. So he can give us something better.
Ruth was infertile for 10 years in her first marriage. Had she had a child, she would have sacrificed him to Molech because of where she lived and what she believed. But, after enduring those ten years, her husband died, and she married Boaz. She conceived then, the ancestor of the Messiah. No doubt had she known God’s plan, and that she was going to be the ancestor of the Messiah, she would have cheerfully endured the 10 years of pain. Bearing the Messiah is unquestionably better than sacrificing a child to Molech.
The ‘better’ thing God might want to give us might not be a child. Instead, it could be something like Joseph experienced. He endured a trial for years, so he could save two nations from a famine. Savings millions of lives is unquestionably better than being back at home living as a younger brother of some bullies.
Unfortunately, people can’t see God’s plan. We’re not omniscient; we can only go on the information we have in the Bible, which is all we need for godliness. Sadness is present, but trust in God can be too. God is trustworthy, and he is capable of proving it. He proves it to us all the time; sometimes it just takes a bit longer to see it. God will take care of the hurting one no matter how that person is feeling at the time. God is faithful.
2. So we can comfort others.
I have personally seen this happen in my life. The Fuquas were huge comforts to Tim and me, and had they not experienced the loss of Kelsey, they wouldn’t have been able to help us the same way.
Consider 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Sometimes our trial isn’t about us, it’s about someone else.
3. So God can mold our character.
This is not always the reason we suffer, but it can be the reason. If God is molding our character, though, don’t fall into the trap of believing that if you would just change, then God would give you what you want. That isn’t the way God works.
*Uncertainty of the future:
While it is true that none of us knows what the future holds, that kind of uncertainty is not what a person experiencing loss feels. A person living a normal life has a reasonable certainty that various things will happen. He knows that more than likely he’ll get a job, get married, pay taxes, have kids, and a myriad of other things. Those things are pretty normal, and kids are taught from the time they’re small that ‘some day you’ll go to work like Daddy!’
The person experiencing infertility or pregnancy loss, though, lives with uncertainty in ways the average person never has.
The infertile woman….
might not buy new clothes, because the next treatment just might work, and those skinny clothes will go to waste!
Will not know if she should take that promotion at work, because she will quit when she gets pregnant.
Will not schedule a fun trip with her husband, because it might fall during the two weeks where she can’t be up and around because of a medical procedure that had to be done right then.
A person who has lost a child might wonder if she will ever be able to conceive again. She might be scared this will all happen again.
*Just trust God and *God is in control:
While these comments have spiritual truth, they seem like platitudes to people who are deep in the trenches of suffering.
Please, please remember that sadness does NOT equal distrust of God! To remind someone to trust God is to say: “You are sinning in experiencing an honest emotion, and neither God nor I care about what you are feeling.”
These are just some of the thoughts I’ve been having since reading the book. I’m sure I’ll post more on it at some point.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
What Infertility Has Taught me
Infertility is an abominable struggle. Anyone who has endured it or who has known someone in the midst of it can attest to the pain it brings. However, Hebrews 12:11 puts it into perspective:
"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."
I cannot say I am at the end of the struggle, because I do not have children in my arms, nor have Tim and I chosen to live as a family of two. But I have reached the point in this struggle where I can attest to God's grace, mercy, and love for me. All of those attributes were things I doubted at times during this trial.
I have learned what is in my heart. Idolatry, envy, hatred, anger, greed, deceit, bitterness, pride, and disobedience.
I have learned to say that God is good even in trials.
I have learned that happiness is not the same as joy.
I have learned that believers can be horribly sad but still be trusting God.
I have learned that depression isn't always a spiritual issue.
I have learned that Tim will be my best friend and confidante no matter what else comes our way, and that nothing can scare him away.
I have learned that I have many, many things to thank God for.
I have learned that life isn't all that great sometimes even for mothers.
I have learned that there are more ways to be a parent than to give birth.
I have learned to show compassion toward people toward whom I previously felt contempt.
I have learned that I actually like certain dogs.
I have learned that people give advice because they don't know how to say "I'm so sorry for your pain" and "I'll pray for you!"
I have learned that infertility isn't an issue that can be solved by old wives' remedies, relaxing, or adopting.
I have learned who around me is compassionate and who seems to enjoy holding my state over my head.
I have learned to be open about my problems, because most fellow believers truly care and want to pray for me.
I have learned how to say to Tim "I am really struggling today. We're going to have to go out to dinner because I can't get off the couch to make it."
I have learned how to control crying during a pregnancy announcement at church. I still dread them though, and I prefer to find out by email where I can react sadly in private and show joy publicly.
I've learned that my sadness ruins others' pregnancy announcements for the rest of the family, and that it is because they care about me.
I've learned that sometimes it hurts so much to cry that anger is easier, and that Tim understands what I am really trying to say but just can't get out.
None of these things come completely easily to me yet. It is a process, and I am thankful that
"He who began a good work in [me] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."
I cannot say I am at the end of the struggle, because I do not have children in my arms, nor have Tim and I chosen to live as a family of two. But I have reached the point in this struggle where I can attest to God's grace, mercy, and love for me. All of those attributes were things I doubted at times during this trial.
I have learned what is in my heart. Idolatry, envy, hatred, anger, greed, deceit, bitterness, pride, and disobedience.
I have learned to say that God is good even in trials.
I have learned that happiness is not the same as joy.
I have learned that believers can be horribly sad but still be trusting God.
I have learned that depression isn't always a spiritual issue.
I have learned that Tim will be my best friend and confidante no matter what else comes our way, and that nothing can scare him away.
I have learned that I have many, many things to thank God for.
I have learned that life isn't all that great sometimes even for mothers.
I have learned that there are more ways to be a parent than to give birth.
I have learned to show compassion toward people toward whom I previously felt contempt.
I have learned that I actually like certain dogs.
I have learned that people give advice because they don't know how to say "I'm so sorry for your pain" and "I'll pray for you!"
I have learned that infertility isn't an issue that can be solved by old wives' remedies, relaxing, or adopting.
I have learned who around me is compassionate and who seems to enjoy holding my state over my head.
I have learned to be open about my problems, because most fellow believers truly care and want to pray for me.
I have learned how to say to Tim "I am really struggling today. We're going to have to go out to dinner because I can't get off the couch to make it."
I have learned how to control crying during a pregnancy announcement at church. I still dread them though, and I prefer to find out by email where I can react sadly in private and show joy publicly.
I've learned that my sadness ruins others' pregnancy announcements for the rest of the family, and that it is because they care about me.
I've learned that sometimes it hurts so much to cry that anger is easier, and that Tim understands what I am really trying to say but just can't get out.
None of these things come completely easily to me yet. It is a process, and I am thankful that
"He who began a good work in [me] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
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