Bows!

I decided recently that Ilse needed some super cute bows, and when I went to look for some, I was quite disappointed. So I decided......

Make 'em yourself, Emma!

So I did.

I am going to make a different kind as soon as I can figure out how. By these, in my opinion, certainly make the grade for super cute, and they will look adorable on this little Ilse.

Planning and Expectations

I have been thinking quite a bit about expectations. We all have them.

I grew up expecting I would be the mother of many, just like my foremothers. I expected to conceive pretty much immediately when I went off the pill in August of 2003. My expectations weren't tempered with thoughts of God's plan, and the proof of that was in how I reacted when all my hopes went unrealized for seven long years.

It is completely normal to have expectations, and really, we should. Every time we remember one of God's promises we expect Him to fulfill it. We expect the sun to rise each day and for mice to scurry and for cello music to be restful. When our expectations lead us to realize God's majesty and control, they solidify our perceived standing in God's plan and our place on earth-- if our expectations are realized, we feel secure.

Proverbs 13:12
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Sometimes, though, expectations are our petty, human way of trying to determine God's plan and attempting to force Him to stick to it.

When God didn't convert my expectations regarding my fertility from thought to reality, I was convinced He was mean, mean and selfish. After all, everyone said kids are a blessing, and why wouldn't God want to bless me? If even the woman addicted to crack down the road could conceive, why couldn't I? Why was she more worthy of blessings?

I was completely off in my thinking, and my expectations were the catalyst for many years of hypocrisy, anger, hatred, and sin.

It is only healthy to have expectations if we feel and view them in the light of God's sovereignty. When we realize that He truly is in control, then our expectations will not create bonds around us if they do not come to fruition.

When I was pregnant with Ilse, I did my best to plan according to all that traditional wisdom taught me. I bought clothes that would fit and be appropriate as she was hitting certain developmental milestones, and I registered for items a healthy baby would need.

Should I have?

Well, yes. It wouldn't be reasonable to PLAN for something terrible to happen, or worse, not to prepare at all. I had no reason to expect anything out of the ordinary would happen. When it did, though, I grieved, but I was not incapacitated with grief like I was when I was infertile. My expectations were just as strong in regards to Ilse as they were in regards to fertility; however, I had learned that sometimes things don't work out, and I had determined in my heart to trust the Lord. I planned from the beginning of the trial that I would not react like I did for the seven long years of no kids. Instead, I decided that I would do well this time. This time my expectations where tempered with the realization that God, not I, makes the plan.

I can't say I truly did well. Certainly I was, and sometimes am, completely stressed out. But I can say that God sustained me, and that I never succumbed to bitterness, anger, or even annoyance at God. I know He loves me and is doing what is best for Ilse and for the rest of us.

What reason is there to be bitter? I have everything I have ever wanted. Maybe not exactly the way I wanted it, but as I have seen, if I had gotten pregnant way back in 2003 with an Ilse, I would have been completely lost as to what to do with her. Wisdom and determination grew in me during those years and now I can take care of her the way she needs to be taken are of, at least most of the time.

A big part of me though has trouble hearing others plan. It hurts a bit when people say they 'will have kids' at such and such a time, or that their kid will wear this kind of clothing at a certain point. I just want to shout...... UM..... you just can't know that!!! I don't, of course, because who wants to be around a person who is continually shouting. :) and I don't personally want to be everyone's cautionary tale.

What my heart longs to hear people say instead is, "it is likely that...." or "If God plans it, then...." Probably I am just being picky, because logically people don't generally have issues like I have had (first infertility and then an Ilse) but what if what we say really shows what is in our hearts? We know it does according to Scripture, and so I want to be especially careful to form my speech around acknowledging that God might plan differently that I do. My expectations MUST be conformed to reality and NOT my own dreams. Reality is that God is in control.

James 4:13-17

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.

Ilse and mommy playin'

As you can tell from the multitudes of videos of this game, we all love it.

Life lately

Please excuse any misspellings... My fingers don't love me today.

Looking back through my posts, I realize that I haven't posted in forever. So much has been going on over here that I haven't had time to do anything... even sleep is a rarity.

Ilse is still on the path to wellness. It might be a long path, especially considering they aren't sure what is wrong with her. They have ordered some specialized immune system tests, and maybe we will know what the results are in about a week. Hopefully it won't take longer than that. A week is already a long time. She did have a bacterial infection, and they had no idea where it was coming from. It could be her mic-KEY button, but we would have to pull it and culture it to know for sure. Unfortunately, we have to wait to do that because they put Ilse on a strong antibiotic, and again, unfortunately, it was obviously too strong for her since it set off a string of night screaming that the world has never seen before. At least my world! Finally we put two and two together and the doctor had us stop the antibiotic. Ilse slept pretty well last night, and so did I. Ahhh. However, I managed to wake up more tired that I had been the previous day when the night before I had barely gotten any sleep at all.

And it was good that yesterday I was more awake, because I didn't have time to even use the bathroom from the morning all the way until six or so. A lifetime of practice finally put to good use. Lol. Yesterday Ilse and I went to get her labs drawn for the aforementioned blood tests. The first lab, at which we had an appointment, told us after we had waited of course, that they couldn't do that test. We hightailed it down to medical city, and yes, I had to talk myself down just in order to park at that place.... and got her labs drawn there. She had two diarrheas while we were at the lab. That made three up to that point, and scattered through out the day where about four more. Needless to say, they are concerned about dehydration and c diff. for this baby. We won't know about the c diff. test for a week also. At the lab they determined that Ilse is too small to do all the tests they wanted, so we have to go back again on Friday to draw for the rest of the tests. One of the tests they did draw for measures how well the white blood cells fight infection. Because, I think it is clear by this point that Ilse has a bit of trouble with infections.

The concern for the immediate future is that her bacterial infection might reassert itself since we couldn't finish the antibiotic. If she gets a high fever or screams uncontrollably, we are to call the doctor ASAP, or, if it is night, we are to go to the emergency room.

Lord willing, Ilse got enough antibiotic to do the trick. Although, if it is the button causing this problem, it will likely reassert itself and we will be in a world of trouble, unless of course, we can have a different antibiotic, although at this point I am pretty wary of too much more medicine.

The rest of our busy day yesterday was spent at UT Southwestern medical center. Tim had his much awaited appointment with a wonderful hip doctor. He was wonderful, and not just because he looked exactly like Mark Ruffalo. He did tons of x-rays, and gave a much better description of the surgery, complete with hand gestures. Tim will plan on having the surgery late May, but first he needs an MRI to confirm what is going on and to see the exact state of his cartilage.

If everything looks good, or bad, whichever way you want to phrase it, he will have the surgery. It doesn't sound as bad as the first doctor made it sound, and regardless of how long the recovery is, having the surgery in state is an automatic bonus. The first doctor said we would have to go out of state, and that sounded atrocious, as you can imagine, since I am determined not to go anywhere without my kids.

The boys are doing really well. They learned about colloquialisms, paramedics, aerodynamics, and oh my goodness, earlier Chris said something so brilliant I wish I could remember what it was.

I finally got Ilse's nose suction machine figured out and in use. Hopefully it will help her. It is too bad that there is no way to decorate it like a squirrel or something. It isn't too cute.

Mom came over yesterday at the drop of a hat and stayed all day long to watch my boys. They mostly behaved. Now my laundry is all folded, my kitchen is clean, and my floors are vacuumed. Thanks, Mom!

I have lots more to write about. However, this post is so long that I had better give your eyes and my fingers a break.

Today, though, if you have a minute, pray for my friend Amber Bowers who is having her third baby today. This is her second daughter, and could also be her second child with SLOS. One baby with SLOS is hard enough depending on how severely the child is affected. Two would be significantly more difficult, and yet, the Lord really does give us the ability to accomplish all that he asks of us. And He has given the Bowers family so much joy. They are truly a wonderful example to me. Each child is a blessing, no matter the way God makes it.

As I have said before, I don't know what I would do with a 'normal' baby-- I have gotten so used to Ilse.

I have another post to write soon, but now, I am going to call in the precious boys who just went out to play, and we are all going to lay down for a nap. It is practically a given though that Ilse will wake up the second I lay myself down.

Better hurry!

Seven months of Ilse-ness

Written December 4, 2011

Today was our sweet Ilse's seven month birthday. She has grown and changed so much in these short months... And even though I say short, I still feel like I have always known her. I adore every little thing about her. I wonder at how she moves her legs when she is going to sleep... like she is a gymnast or something. She bends her hips and kicks both legs straight out in front of her, so that she is a ninety degree angle. I love seeing how she flexes her fingers out straight in an unconscious gesture that says, 'I am sleeping; please don't disturb me!' She used to hold her hand out in front of her like a stop sign when she was doing this, but now she just straightens out her hand wherever it is in her nice sleeping position.

She has come from looking like my little brown Eskimo baby

to my perfectly pink lovely girl.

She has gone from sleeping constantly

to regarding the world with joy and interest.

She has gone from eating 10 mls a few times a day to eating more than five ounces six times a day, with some more thrown in during the night for good measure.

She used to lay like a bump on a log, with both arms dangling on either side of her. Now she almost always holds her hands like she is praying, which is such a nice developmental step.

She loves her brother Joey. He always takes time to play with her, and she smiles whenever she sees him.

I remember the day she started smiling at her toys.

And I remember when she was this tiny.....

Now she is quite long!


When she came home from the hospital at a month old she had no strength whatsoever. We had to prop her up in her little bouncy seat, and she still flopped everywhere.

Now she nearly fills her bouncy seat and her swing, and she could wiggle all the way out of each if I didn't catch her.

She used to sleep in our room, and I remember struggling to find the safest way to have her sleep. I was so afraid she would throw up and choke to death in the night if I positioned her wrong. A few times Tim jolted awake to save her from choking. I was so tired I hadn't heard a thing.

When she could turn her head really well and had ceased staying asleep with us in the room, we moved her to her own room that we all worked so hard to decorate.

It took forever to unload the bags we brought home from the hospital.

But we were so happy to have all three of our babies finally together that we didn't care about the disaster.

Thinking back to the day of Ilse's birth and the month following hurts, but I must be starting to heal because I noticed that I voluntarily brought it up this week to Tim. I think that I am healing, and then I remember something else and nearly cry, so I start thinking about more recent events as fast as I can.

Today at nap time Ilse was talking and squirming so happily before she fell asleep.

She is a joy and truly is my "Darlin' Darlin'" as I sing to her every night.

And every night I tell her the gospel and remind her that even if she can never understand it, our God is merciful.

Because He is.

"Lord, You are good and do good. Righteous are You, O Lord, and upright are Your judgments. You have commanded Your testimonies in righteousness and exceeding faithfulness. Let my soul live, that it may praise You." Select verses from Psalm 119.

The hardest thing about being a mother to a four and five year old

The other day it occurred to me what the hardest thing about being a mother to a four and five year old is.  Brace yourselves, people.  It's not something fantastic like it being hard when my kids misbehave, or when they make the house a disaster, or when I'm worried because they are sick and hurting.

No.  The hardest thing is:

I have to talk.  Yep, that's it.  I know it might seem like a surprise, but I'm not a natural born talker.  Oh, I can hold my own if I must.  But it's hard, and (I admit it!) I agonize over being able to keep up the conversation every single time I'm put in that position.  What if I have nothing else to say?  Aren't people getting tired of hearing, "So, yeah, I don't know anything else."  Or, "Wow!"  :)  At least when I say the first thing I'm being honest.  I really don't know anything else that I can say!

So, the boys will be talking to me, and I do love their talking, but it makes me have to respond!  Responding to the "Mommy?" 20000 times a minute is so exhausting, not because I don't want to listen.  I do!  I just have nothing to say.

Once when Mom and I were heading to the doctor when I was a teenager, she mentioned that the car is always quiet when it was only I there.  (me there?  Not sure.  I think it's I, since it's a predicate nominative, right, Eunice?) 

I still like quiet, and even in the morning I just need Tim to not overwhelm me with conversation the first thing.  I can't stand it.  Just two minutes of quiet is what I desire.  One time I got into a huge argument with someone because there was too much information input and I shouted at them to just be quiet!  I seriously can't think when someone won't stop talking long enough for me to think about what they said, especially in an argument.

I don't believe this qualifies me as an introvert, since I love being around the kids/people and don't feel a need to be alone.  I just don't want to be required to talk.  Sounds awfully selfish when I put it that way, huh.  Yes, I'm seriously handicapped in this area.  Maybe I'll grow out of it, but I doubt it.  I guess I'll just have to work on it.

Highly Disgusting, Don't read if you're pregnant or easily grossed out!

I haven't thrown up since I was 14. I'm not kidding.... no barf since that lunchtime mom fed me tuna when I was feeling a bit icky with PMS. (I warned you that this was TMI!)

I have always insisted that I don't believe in throwing up. And I don't. I don't believe in it. I think it is not necessary and that you can always avoid it. I am a fan of telling the story about how Tim always used to throw up after playing hockey, and one time I just told him he couldn't anymore. He just wasn't allowed to throw up! He could drink some water and then go to bed. And sure enough, he hasn't barfed since. It was my crowning moment with barfing.

And then came yesterday morning. I woke up feeling like I'd been rolled in raw sausage and dragged through some dirty sheets. I heroically struggled through eating two saltines, because those are supposed to make you feel better. And then I drank a lot of water, because it felt SO GOOD!

And then I got dressed, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, etc., etc., and as I was walking back past my bed, with not a care in the world, not even feeling nauseated!!! Suddenly, I was barfing. I didn't have a chance to get to the bathroom. I didn't have a chance to get to the trashcan. I didn't have a chance to remember that people would say "I told you so!"

It was too late. It was either barf on the clean laundry in the basket on the floor, or barf on the bed. I chose the bed.

I'll spare you the details, although, logically, if you've gotten this far in this post, you could probably handle the details. Nevertheless, let's skip over that part, and move on.

The rest of the day passed in a daze-- a daze of migraine. It wasn't enough to be nauseated, but I had to have the third worst migraine I've ever had. I repeatedly asked the Lord to get rid of it, but he didn't until the middle of the night last night.

BUT TODAY has started so much better! I skipped the saltines, because I didn't want to repeat THAT performance. Hadn't even washed my bedding yet... just had stripped the bed and thrown the bedding in the garage. Tim made me two lovely pieces of wheat toast. Yes, they tasted disgusting, because who wants to eat dry toast with no water? (I was afraid to drink water after yesterday, too.) But I managed, and then I got up so I could get Tim to work. Wonderful man, he got himself ready and the boys ready without my help, so that all I had to do was carry around my trashcan (a policy we instituted since yesterday morning) and get dressed.

I still haven't brushed my teeth (I'm afraid to), although arguably I'd feel so much better if I did.

But there is no migraine yet today. I can take nausea and barfing if there is no migraine with it. A migraine too is just a little much for me.

Joey was a giant help yesterday. Bam-Bam was a naughty little bugger, but Joey whispered, got me water, sat quietly, and was just in general a sweet little man. Christopher had to go to bed early last night, but Joey got to stay up with daddy and had some candy.

We haven't told them what is going on with the new baby. We will one of these weeks when we think they can understand. They will be excited! We are planning on switching their room, though, and we'll have to either finish the bunk beds or buy new ones. We haven't decided what we're going to do. I don't believe I'm supposed to be smelling the stain stench or breathing in the wood shavings.

We're loving our three blessings from God. Even though two of them lie pretty frequently and one causes migraines and nausea. :)

A Third Child

God is so good to us. First he makes us wait forever for any children. Then he blesses us with two on June 1..... boy, was that labor getting ready for them! The house was a disaster, and I came so close to saying no!!! If Tim had not been home to help me get ready, I would have said no.

BUT GOD knew better and he had Tim home, and we worked our butts off getting ready..... and we have been thanking the Lord every day since for his amazing provision for us.

And now...... here I am about to go to the doctor to beg for some specific medicine, but to get it I have to prove I'm not pregnant.... and viola!!! I AM!!! I guess I don't need the medicine, and five pregnancy tests later it is starting to sink in. It helped to drive around and tell everyone and see the happy faces, and to call certain others and hear the laughter!

This pregnancy will bring us our third child, not our first or second. She, because I'm sure it is a girl, will have two amazing big brothers to teach her wonderful, disgusting things.

This is our third blessing from the Lord, and we are equally thankful for each one!

Happiness

Tim and I were at Sam's yesterday, and a lady in the checkout line made my day when she said to me regarding the boys and Tim:

"They look JUST like him! Wow! Exactly the same!"

It made me so happy. Of course I said, "Thank you!"

Of course, that comment shows she didn't know anything about science since both of us have blue-ish eyes, and the boys' eyes are dark brown! But we are skipping that part, and moving on. :)

Progress

Today Joey climbed up on my lap. He didn't try to squeeze in between me and the arm of the couch-- instead he cuddled right up on my lap. And lately, anytime he gets in trouble, he launches himself into my arms for a hug.

He is attaching.

Weeks ago, both boys decided they were babies. Christopher randomly came up to me and wanted me to hold him. He lay in my arms like a sleeping baby for ten minutes, and Joey wanted to do it next. They just cuddled and cuddled.

Christopher holds up his arms all the time just wanting me to pick him up, and he is always asking for us to carry him.

He is even further along in the attachment process than Joey is.

It was such a blessing that we got the boys at the beginning of the summertime. We have had 2 1/2 months to be with them all day every day... learning about each other and getting used to each other. They have progressed so much! We are getting to work on advanced issues that I think a lot of adoptive couples don't get to work on with their kids for years. It's really exciting to me every time we get to work on a 'normal' issue that 'normal' kids have. The boys are so happy and they are doing fabulously.

The boys reply with "God bless you" after I say it to them at bedtime. They want hugs and kisses all the time, and the other night, Joey asked me to rub his tummy. Usually I offer and he says no.

Tim and I are both looking forward to the school year starting up again. I'm going to enjoy being a mommy while Tim is gone... getting together with other mothers, going to ladies' bible study with the boys, doing preschool with them, and going to the pool whenever we want.

I really love the administration side of motherhood (in addition to all the other obvious things to love, of course). It is easy for me to make dinner even if the boys are up. They are happy playing at my feet. It is easy for me to keep an eye on them no matter where they are in the house, because our house is set up perfectly for it. (And because we've trained them that they have to answer me when I call them, and 'nothing' is not an acceptable response to 'what are you doing, boys?') When Tim is home, I tend to lean on him for way more than I really need. He helps a ton, but, hey, I guess that's what marriage is when your spouse is home. When he is gone, I am more independent and capable. I'm sure I'm not the only one like that, am I? At any rate, that's the side of me that I'm going to enjoy exploring this school year... the administrative side.

Tim is looking forward to having the boys happily greet him when he gets to the car after work. That's something he's never had, and I can't wait to see him enjoy it just like I enjoyed the spontaneous hugs I got this afternoon.

One thing I have been concerned about regarding Bam-Bam: his sleep is so disturbed. Often he wakes up partially several times a night, crying. One of us (usually me, because I'm willing to fight for it) goes in there to soothe him back to sleep. I'm wondering if he gets Charley Horses in his legs like Eunice used to at night. He always wakes up around 1am. I wonder if it's a learned response because one time, somewhere, something happened to him in the night around that time.

I hope not. He's my precious baby boy, and he knows it. Today he came up and told me, "You're my mom!"

I've been completely impressed with Joey lately. His speech has improved amazingly well. He said some word the other day that had the letter 'f' in it, and he did it correctly! His grammar is improving and I can almost always understand him. He learned how to use his fork to put corn on his spoon tonight after I showed him just once or twice. He picks up on things really quickly, and his finger dexterity is getting better. He surprises me at how much older he seems sometimes than Bam-Bam. I don't know if my earlier plan to school them at the same level will really work. Joey has been saying things that are well thought out and logical. I'm so proud of him! At first he would only ever repeat what we said, badly, and then Bam-Bam would fuss at him about his pronunciation. Now he comes up with observations on his own.

I love these boys so much. I'm so thankful for them.

A Mother

A mother shouldn't have hair. She should have a roll of paper towels extending from her skull so she can wipe up any spill at any time.

A mother shouldn't have only two hands. She should have a third hand with a warm, soapy sponge attachment so she can clean up stickiness.

A mother shouldn't have regular thighs. She should have deep pockets in her thighs so she can store all the little things that children need. One of these pockets needs to be self-cooling so she can keep a child's lunch cold.

A mother shouldn't have only two eyes. She should have eyes in each elbow, on her shoulder blades, and at the back of her ankles. All these eyes should open and being recording data automatically if something happens that might begin a "he said she said" or if your child tends to disobey as you are turning the corner out of the room. This would also help in taking snapshots of all the precious moments that should never be forgotten.

A mother shouldn't have knees that bend only one way. Instead, she should have double bending knees so that the child that bounces on them for horsey could get a really good ride. It wouldn't hurt if the knees also had springs or shocks for added protection.

A mother shouldn't have only one mouth. She should have one that goes to an internal trash bag that never needs to be taken out. Instead all the trash she picks up every day from the floor should be recycled into extra energy.

A mother shouldn't have ten fingers that merely move. She should have one that spouts the drink of her choice at a moment's notice. Coffee, water, and other occasionally enjoyable beverages should all be available on command.