I have been thinking quite a bit about expectations. We all have them.
I grew up expecting I would be the mother of many, just like my foremothers. I expected to conceive pretty much immediately when I went off the pill in August of 2003. My expectations weren't tempered with thoughts of God's plan, and the proof of that was in how I reacted when all my hopes went unrealized for seven long years.
It is completely normal to have expectations, and really, we should. Every time we remember one of God's promises we expect Him to fulfill it. We expect the sun to rise each day and for mice to scurry and for cello music to be restful. When our expectations lead us to realize God's majesty and control, they solidify our perceived standing in God's plan and our place on earth-- if our expectations are realized, we feel secure.
Proverbs 13:12
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Sometimes, though, expectations are our petty, human way of trying to determine God's plan and attempting to force Him to stick to it.
When God didn't convert my expectations regarding my fertility from thought to reality, I was convinced He was mean, mean and selfish. After all, everyone said kids are a blessing, and why wouldn't God want to bless me? If even the woman addicted to crack down the road could conceive, why couldn't I? Why was she more worthy of blessings?
I was completely off in my thinking, and my expectations were the catalyst for many years of hypocrisy, anger, hatred, and sin.
It is only healthy to have expectations if we feel and view them in the light of God's sovereignty. When we realize that He truly is in control, then our expectations will not create bonds around us if they do not come to fruition.
When I was pregnant with Ilse, I did my best to plan according to all that traditional wisdom taught me. I bought clothes that would fit and be appropriate as she was hitting certain developmental milestones, and I registered for items a healthy baby would need.
Should I have?
Well, yes. It wouldn't be reasonable to PLAN for something terrible to happen, or worse, not to prepare at all. I had no reason to expect anything out of the ordinary would happen. When it did, though, I grieved, but I was not incapacitated with grief like I was when I was infertile. My expectations were just as strong in regards to Ilse as they were in regards to fertility; however, I had learned that sometimes things don't work out, and I had determined in my heart to trust the Lord. I planned from the beginning of the trial that I would not react like I did for the seven long years of no kids. Instead, I decided that I would do well this time. This time my expectations where tempered with the realization that God, not I, makes the plan.
I can't say I truly did well. Certainly I was, and sometimes am, completely stressed out. But I can say that God sustained me, and that I never succumbed to bitterness, anger, or even annoyance at God. I know He loves me and is doing what is best for Ilse and for the rest of us.
What reason is there to be bitter? I have everything I have ever wanted. Maybe not exactly the way I wanted it, but as I have seen, if I had gotten pregnant way back in 2003 with an Ilse, I would have been completely lost as to what to do with her. Wisdom and determination grew in me during those years and now I can take care of her the way she needs to be taken are of, at least most of the time.
A big part of me though has trouble hearing others plan. It hurts a bit when people say they 'will have kids' at such and such a time, or that their kid will wear this kind of clothing at a certain point. I just want to shout...... UM..... you just can't know that!!! I don't, of course, because who wants to be around a person who is continually shouting. :) and I don't personally want to be everyone's cautionary tale.
What my heart longs to hear people say instead is, "it is likely that...." or "If God plans it, then...." Probably I am just being picky, because logically people don't generally have issues like I have had (first infertility and then an Ilse) but what if what we say really shows what is in our hearts? We know it does according to Scripture, and so I want to be especially careful to form my speech around acknowledging that God might plan differently that I do. My expectations MUST be conformed to reality and NOT my own dreams. Reality is that God is in control.
James 4:13-17
"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.
Showing posts with label God's Sovereignty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God's Sovereignty. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Good and Bad, Happy and Sad
Today was a day of happy moments and also sad news. I am really struggling since the bad tends to overshadow the good. My poor, poor little baby.
First the good:
Today in therapy Ilse ate squash, off a spoon. I punctuate it that way to give the words 'off a spoon' the weight they deserve. That is huge. We started Ilse on just tastes of milk when she was in the NICU, and she didn't do well. Her upper lip would turn dusky, which told the hospital OT that Ilse was struggling to keep her O2 sats up when she had something in her mouth. We progressed from tastes to drops of milk, to small syringes of milk, and then to trying a spoon. She couldn't do the spoon without horrible gagging. Then we tried letting her eat off my finger, and for some reason she didn't gag that way. Then today we tried a different spoon, and she ate squash off it. She ate squash off a spoon. I am so praising the Lord about that. It is truly momentous for a child like Ilse to eat squash off a spoon.
Also in therapy today Ilse sort of sat. She actually totally sat! Our therapist put Ilse's legs a bit bunched up, and leaned her forward resting on her arms, and Ilse sat that way, leaning forward on her hands. She was sitting on her bottom, leaning forward on her arms. Amazing.
Furthermore, Ilse decided today that she would put weight on her forearms in a crawling position. Ilse participated today to be able to do all of this! She didn't hang her head during her therapy today at all. Usually she just hangs her head, won't talk, won't smile, and won't participate. But today I guess the Lord knew I would need some encouragement.
The bad news is that we got the results of some bloodwork we had done on Monday, the day of upwards of ten blood pokes and horrible bruising. While Ilse's metabolic panel came back normal and her cholesterol is up ten points (YAY!), her immunological testing came back all messed up. I believe what the pediatrician said is that Ilse seems to have an IgG deficiency. I confess, when I heard what she said next about bone marrow and a hematologist/oncologist, I had a hard time remembering the exact word that went with IgG, but deficiency is really the only word that makes sense. They are referring her to a hematologist/oncologist for a bone marrow biopsy, because the blood testing has gone as far as the immunologist can take it, and now deeper testing needs to be done. I know the doctor stressed the fact that Ilse is going for the hematology side and not the oncology side, but the minute I heard those words my heart just got so heavy and I cried. My poor little baby. If they have to actually do that biopsy, she will have to be anesthetized which likely means an intubation, which any SLOS mom knows could result in oral aversions, which is what we have been working against all this time. That made me cry. Thinking about a needle in my baby made me cry. Tim just had his MRI with contrast, and the spot where they injected that dye into the joint is all bruised and sore. He was hurting, and I don't want my little baby to feel like that. And as I sat there with tears on my face... It's not like I was sobbing or anything, just teary.... all I could say to the therapist was, "God made her blood. GOD made her blood."
He made her genetic mutations; He made her immunological deficiencies. He made her exactly the way she is for His glory.
I am having a very hard time, though, because all those good things that she did today tend to get overshadowed by this one very bad thing and all things that go with an immune deficiency. The having to tell people they can't touch her, certainly can't breathe on her, have to wash their hands before they touch her, etc.. I can't take her to my sister-in-law's one year adoption anniversary because it is at the germ cesspool Chuck E. Cheese, I can't let the boys go because they could bring RSV home on their clothes.... And the list goes on.
The bad hurts. I hurt for my Ilse. She hurts. But when there is good, when Ilse ate off a spoon today and when she put weight on her arms..... and when I get Ilse snuggles, then I feel God's mercy and grace. Those things are His mercy to me, and I am so thankful for them.
Please pray for us, because this is a new layer of struggle. Pray for my baby to keep gaining weight, and that the diarrhea I think is about to begin really won't, and that I will be awake enough to get up in the nights and feed her as many times as I need to so she can grow.
Here is Ilse reading a book during therapy. She was fascinated with the black, white, and red pictures. She actually turned the pages herself with no prompting. And she turned them from the right to the left, just like a true Foster descendant. :)
First the good:
Today in therapy Ilse ate squash, off a spoon. I punctuate it that way to give the words 'off a spoon' the weight they deserve. That is huge. We started Ilse on just tastes of milk when she was in the NICU, and she didn't do well. Her upper lip would turn dusky, which told the hospital OT that Ilse was struggling to keep her O2 sats up when she had something in her mouth. We progressed from tastes to drops of milk, to small syringes of milk, and then to trying a spoon. She couldn't do the spoon without horrible gagging. Then we tried letting her eat off my finger, and for some reason she didn't gag that way. Then today we tried a different spoon, and she ate squash off it. She ate squash off a spoon. I am so praising the Lord about that. It is truly momentous for a child like Ilse to eat squash off a spoon.
Also in therapy today Ilse sort of sat. She actually totally sat! Our therapist put Ilse's legs a bit bunched up, and leaned her forward resting on her arms, and Ilse sat that way, leaning forward on her hands. She was sitting on her bottom, leaning forward on her arms. Amazing.
Furthermore, Ilse decided today that she would put weight on her forearms in a crawling position. Ilse participated today to be able to do all of this! She didn't hang her head during her therapy today at all. Usually she just hangs her head, won't talk, won't smile, and won't participate. But today I guess the Lord knew I would need some encouragement.
The bad news is that we got the results of some bloodwork we had done on Monday, the day of upwards of ten blood pokes and horrible bruising. While Ilse's metabolic panel came back normal and her cholesterol is up ten points (YAY!), her immunological testing came back all messed up. I believe what the pediatrician said is that Ilse seems to have an IgG deficiency. I confess, when I heard what she said next about bone marrow and a hematologist/oncologist, I had a hard time remembering the exact word that went with IgG, but deficiency is really the only word that makes sense. They are referring her to a hematologist/oncologist for a bone marrow biopsy, because the blood testing has gone as far as the immunologist can take it, and now deeper testing needs to be done. I know the doctor stressed the fact that Ilse is going for the hematology side and not the oncology side, but the minute I heard those words my heart just got so heavy and I cried. My poor little baby. If they have to actually do that biopsy, she will have to be anesthetized which likely means an intubation, which any SLOS mom knows could result in oral aversions, which is what we have been working against all this time. That made me cry. Thinking about a needle in my baby made me cry. Tim just had his MRI with contrast, and the spot where they injected that dye into the joint is all bruised and sore. He was hurting, and I don't want my little baby to feel like that. And as I sat there with tears on my face... It's not like I was sobbing or anything, just teary.... all I could say to the therapist was, "God made her blood. GOD made her blood."
He made her genetic mutations; He made her immunological deficiencies. He made her exactly the way she is for His glory.
I am having a very hard time, though, because all those good things that she did today tend to get overshadowed by this one very bad thing and all things that go with an immune deficiency. The having to tell people they can't touch her, certainly can't breathe on her, have to wash their hands before they touch her, etc.. I can't take her to my sister-in-law's one year adoption anniversary because it is at the germ cesspool Chuck E. Cheese, I can't let the boys go because they could bring RSV home on their clothes.... And the list goes on.
The bad hurts. I hurt for my Ilse. She hurts. But when there is good, when Ilse ate off a spoon today and when she put weight on her arms..... and when I get Ilse snuggles, then I feel God's mercy and grace. Those things are His mercy to me, and I am so thankful for them.
Please pray for us, because this is a new layer of struggle. Pray for my baby to keep gaining weight, and that the diarrhea I think is about to begin really won't, and that I will be awake enough to get up in the nights and feed her as many times as I need to so she can grow.
Here is Ilse reading a book during therapy. She was fascinated with the black, white, and red pictures. She actually turned the pages herself with no prompting. And she turned them from the right to the left, just like a true Foster descendant. :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Happenings
So much has gone on the last week or so.
I had a birthday... 30 years old now. Wow. I don't feel older, just more somber, and that likely has nothing to do with my advancing age. :)
Ilse is sick, and they don't know why. Her white blood cell count was high a week ago, and we had it tested again Saturday to see if it has gone down. They also did another test to look for infection or something. I believe it is called an ESR and hopefully we will have the results today.
Last week we also did a total cholesterol on her, and her cholesterol was 62. That isn't great, and so the doctor said to give her two eggs a day instead of one. One was gross enough, and two is nauseous (that means it makes you/me/Ilse nauseated...) but so far she is adjusting well. The added calories can't hurt her for sure. We will retest in a month to see if her level is higher. If it isn't, I might go back to one egg. I have also heard that increased cholesterol won't help, but who really knows anyway. It is just egg, and it can't hurt her, so I will give it.
Mom watched me do her egg the other day and said that she was amazed it didn't break the way I do it. It doesn't break, though, even though I roll it around on a paper towel to get all the egg white off. Gross, I know.
Tim went to the orthopedist, and sadly, he has to have hip surgery. This is a continuing saga... Does he have to go out of state? Can he have it here? It is pretty specialized.... Does he just need a hip replacement instead of this other surgery? We don't know. We have an appointment coming up with a doctor who knows spastic dyplesia and hopefully he will have a better solution than an out of state surgery with a three month don't-put-all-your-weight-on-your-hip recovery time. Neither of us are open to leaving the kids behind if we are out of state for two weeks. Hard, hard, hard either way.
Also, Tim is having his tonsils out this Saturday. We are happy about that, and hopefully he will be able to eat really well by Thanksgiving, and even if he can't, both of us are going to enjoy completely the week he will have off of school.
The boys got their glasses, and by George do they look cue. I got them the really bendy ones, and while that is handy dandy, it also means that I can't straighten them. They are just too bendable. We will be making many trips to Walmart I think.
Ilse is growing out of her clothes, so I am setting them aside for Olivia, who, undoubtably, will be a very cute close second to Ilse. There is something odd and pretty special about having double nieces and nephews. For all my readers who don't know (as if I have a widely read blog or something, lol) but my sister Ivy married my husband's brother Marcus. So our kids are double cousins. I am hoping Olivia looks like Ilse coloring wise so that all the pink I dress Ilse in will look just as good on Olivia.
All this time I have been thinking that there is seven hundred dollars on my zero interest credit card..... But there isn't, because Walgreens Infusion Services never refunded my three hundred bucks from way back in June, even though I requested it a couple of times. I was really glad that Tim thought of that when we were talking about our card the other day. He is so smart. I called again this morning, and they wil finally process the refund. It will take thirty days, though, and as she said that, I was thinking, good grief. You have known that you owe it to me since August! They have been getting interest off something I didn't owe them, just like the anesthesia place and the hospital did. I just got my money back from the anesthesia place that did my c section.... Last week! They had it for months! Wow.
Joey is such a good helper with Ilse. He plays with her and makes her smile. I never have to worry about her while he is watching her. He called me the other day when I was outside.... "Mommy! You need to come check Ilse! She barfed!" I am so happy that he loves her and takes care of her.
Chris is so close to reading! He can spell some simple words with a little assistance. (an aside... As I was typing "little" I messed up and the iPad auto corrected it to "opitz". That is a snapshot of my life. :)
Anyway, I got some learning games that the boys both do on the iPad. Chris is super good, but right now Joey just really watches the animation. He will get it, though, with time.
Dad came over on Saturday and replaced the lights in my garage. I cannot tell you how much I am loving the bright light out there! I keep looking out the mini blinds to see if I accidentally left the garage door open since it is so bright, which is stupid anyway because the sun never makes it that bright in there. I told Tim yesterday that I loved him even more than my new lights, and that that was saying something. I don't know if he was pleased or not. I kind of think not. Thanks, Dad!
I have been realizing some things about myself.... Grace, what is it about turning 30 that makes you reassess your life? I realize that I am struggling with crippling fear in some areas of my life. I realize that I am so used to having an Ilse kind of baby that if I ever have a different kind of baby I will not know what on earth to do and I will freak out. 'What?! You mean the baby doesn't need seventy burp rags? She might not eat every three hours? There won't be endless doctors appointments? She can sit up?!?!?" You get the picture. It kind of makes me hope for another baby just like Ilse. Wouldn't a psychotherapist have a fun time with that mind boggling realization. That is just fear. I am glad that God is in control of everything that goes on.... From if we have more kids, to when, to who they are. To even if they live. He is such a good God.
I had a birthday... 30 years old now. Wow. I don't feel older, just more somber, and that likely has nothing to do with my advancing age. :)
Ilse is sick, and they don't know why. Her white blood cell count was high a week ago, and we had it tested again Saturday to see if it has gone down. They also did another test to look for infection or something. I believe it is called an ESR and hopefully we will have the results today.
Last week we also did a total cholesterol on her, and her cholesterol was 62. That isn't great, and so the doctor said to give her two eggs a day instead of one. One was gross enough, and two is nauseous (that means it makes you/me/Ilse nauseated...) but so far she is adjusting well. The added calories can't hurt her for sure. We will retest in a month to see if her level is higher. If it isn't, I might go back to one egg. I have also heard that increased cholesterol won't help, but who really knows anyway. It is just egg, and it can't hurt her, so I will give it.
Mom watched me do her egg the other day and said that she was amazed it didn't break the way I do it. It doesn't break, though, even though I roll it around on a paper towel to get all the egg white off. Gross, I know.
Tim went to the orthopedist, and sadly, he has to have hip surgery. This is a continuing saga... Does he have to go out of state? Can he have it here? It is pretty specialized.... Does he just need a hip replacement instead of this other surgery? We don't know. We have an appointment coming up with a doctor who knows spastic dyplesia and hopefully he will have a better solution than an out of state surgery with a three month don't-put-all-your-weight-on-your-hip recovery time. Neither of us are open to leaving the kids behind if we are out of state for two weeks. Hard, hard, hard either way.
Also, Tim is having his tonsils out this Saturday. We are happy about that, and hopefully he will be able to eat really well by Thanksgiving, and even if he can't, both of us are going to enjoy completely the week he will have off of school.
The boys got their glasses, and by George do they look cue. I got them the really bendy ones, and while that is handy dandy, it also means that I can't straighten them. They are just too bendable. We will be making many trips to Walmart I think.
Ilse is growing out of her clothes, so I am setting them aside for Olivia, who, undoubtably, will be a very cute close second to Ilse. There is something odd and pretty special about having double nieces and nephews. For all my readers who don't know (as if I have a widely read blog or something, lol) but my sister Ivy married my husband's brother Marcus. So our kids are double cousins. I am hoping Olivia looks like Ilse coloring wise so that all the pink I dress Ilse in will look just as good on Olivia.
All this time I have been thinking that there is seven hundred dollars on my zero interest credit card..... But there isn't, because Walgreens Infusion Services never refunded my three hundred bucks from way back in June, even though I requested it a couple of times. I was really glad that Tim thought of that when we were talking about our card the other day. He is so smart. I called again this morning, and they wil finally process the refund. It will take thirty days, though, and as she said that, I was thinking, good grief. You have known that you owe it to me since August! They have been getting interest off something I didn't owe them, just like the anesthesia place and the hospital did. I just got my money back from the anesthesia place that did my c section.... Last week! They had it for months! Wow.
Joey is such a good helper with Ilse. He plays with her and makes her smile. I never have to worry about her while he is watching her. He called me the other day when I was outside.... "Mommy! You need to come check Ilse! She barfed!" I am so happy that he loves her and takes care of her.
Chris is so close to reading! He can spell some simple words with a little assistance. (an aside... As I was typing "little" I messed up and the iPad auto corrected it to "opitz". That is a snapshot of my life. :)
Anyway, I got some learning games that the boys both do on the iPad. Chris is super good, but right now Joey just really watches the animation. He will get it, though, with time.
Dad came over on Saturday and replaced the lights in my garage. I cannot tell you how much I am loving the bright light out there! I keep looking out the mini blinds to see if I accidentally left the garage door open since it is so bright, which is stupid anyway because the sun never makes it that bright in there. I told Tim yesterday that I loved him even more than my new lights, and that that was saying something. I don't know if he was pleased or not. I kind of think not. Thanks, Dad!
I have been realizing some things about myself.... Grace, what is it about turning 30 that makes you reassess your life? I realize that I am struggling with crippling fear in some areas of my life. I realize that I am so used to having an Ilse kind of baby that if I ever have a different kind of baby I will not know what on earth to do and I will freak out. 'What?! You mean the baby doesn't need seventy burp rags? She might not eat every three hours? There won't be endless doctors appointments? She can sit up?!?!?" You get the picture. It kind of makes me hope for another baby just like Ilse. Wouldn't a psychotherapist have a fun time with that mind boggling realization. That is just fear. I am glad that God is in control of everything that goes on.... From if we have more kids, to when, to who they are. To even if they live. He is such a good God.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Three Months
Today was the three month birthday of our precious baby girl Ilse. She brings so much joy to us, and that's why we named her Ilse Joy.
She snuggles so close to me when I hold her, and I can always make her comfy, make her stop crying, and I always know what's wrong with her. It definitely took some learning, but now I feel like I know her. I know her expressions, I know her wants, I know every single detail of what she likes. I know that when she is upset, she likes to be still and not be bounced. She is like me. :) I know when she is going to cry at the first, tiniest little hint. I know when she is hungry and when she just needs her Mommy.
I missed the first whole month of Ilse's life. It was filled with tears, sadness, hurting, loneliness, and questions. I heard many times that something was my fault, or, 'don't hold her like that!' Or, 'don't pick her up,' or 'don't disturb her,' or 'you can't spend the night here,' or 'she's just going to be hurting and scream.'
We missed so much and hurt so much; it will never be forgotten and I don't know that the scars will ever go away. I didn't get to give Ilse her first bath. I had to send my three week old baby into surgery, and I didn't know if she'd come out since she was so tiny. I nearly ripped her g-tube out because some doctor made me cry to the point of not seeing it there since he refused to take my concern about her cataracts seriously. I went to change her diaper one day and her little butt hole was bleeding and the nurses weren't doing anything about it. Another day her butt was yellow-- yellow, because the nurses didn't wipe her properly and her poop stained her. No matter how much I wiped the color wouldn't change back. Turning around and leaving her at that NICU so many times was unbearable. I pushed my recovery just so I could be with her. I drove five days after surgery and had no more pain by six days. I needed to see her. I can't imagine how she felt laying there in the NICU with the person she'd spend the last 7 1/2 months with gone. I'm so thankful that she mostly slept. Many times I'd be up at the hospital past 11 at night, just because I couldn't make myself leave. I'd cry on the way to the hospital sometimes, feeling incredible guilt, because I had taken till 10am to get back up there. I bought her so many blankets because that was all I could give her. She barfed so much that she used upwards of six blankets a day, a good day. I was washing giant loads of her blankets every other day, and I couldn't bear not to take them up to her. At first the hospital wrapped her in a horribly faded brown and pink blanket, and they didn't understand why I didn't want her to use it. It wasn't soft enough or cute enough for someone loved as much as my Ilse. I hatched a plan to lose that blanket since it kept showing up at her bed; finally I brought it home to wash it and I never took it back. Someday I'll burn it. :) I know I bought so much stuff for her room to make it up to her that she was in an ugly NICU for a month, and for having medical problems. I made her a tree so that her room wouldn't be ugly.
Most parents have lots of stuff to say to their babies. All I had for the longest time was "Ilse, you're ok! I'm not going to let anything happen to you." Empty words. Now I just remind her that she's mommy's baby. Mommy's baby Ilse. Mommy's peach. Mommy's peachy baby Ilse. :)
Some doctors told me that Ilse was so incredibly behind developmentally. Some nurses ruined the birth day for my family. I left a phone charger up at the Allen hospital, and three months later I still can't make myself go back up to that hospital to get it.
Even though the experience of Ilse's first month was horrible and so far, unforgettable, my Ilse is perfect. She is exactly the way God made her, and she is mine. (Ours, but really mine, since I have the milk, you know.) I know she is God's but he gave her to me and I am going to cherish her, teach her, and I'm determined not to miss another minute of her precious life. She is God's gift to me, and she is daily proof of his love.
I'm so thankful that now she is home where she belongs.
She snuggles so close to me when I hold her, and I can always make her comfy, make her stop crying, and I always know what's wrong with her. It definitely took some learning, but now I feel like I know her. I know her expressions, I know her wants, I know every single detail of what she likes. I know that when she is upset, she likes to be still and not be bounced. She is like me. :) I know when she is going to cry at the first, tiniest little hint. I know when she is hungry and when she just needs her Mommy.
I missed the first whole month of Ilse's life. It was filled with tears, sadness, hurting, loneliness, and questions. I heard many times that something was my fault, or, 'don't hold her like that!' Or, 'don't pick her up,' or 'don't disturb her,' or 'you can't spend the night here,' or 'she's just going to be hurting and scream.'
We missed so much and hurt so much; it will never be forgotten and I don't know that the scars will ever go away. I didn't get to give Ilse her first bath. I had to send my three week old baby into surgery, and I didn't know if she'd come out since she was so tiny. I nearly ripped her g-tube out because some doctor made me cry to the point of not seeing it there since he refused to take my concern about her cataracts seriously. I went to change her diaper one day and her little butt hole was bleeding and the nurses weren't doing anything about it. Another day her butt was yellow-- yellow, because the nurses didn't wipe her properly and her poop stained her. No matter how much I wiped the color wouldn't change back. Turning around and leaving her at that NICU so many times was unbearable. I pushed my recovery just so I could be with her. I drove five days after surgery and had no more pain by six days. I needed to see her. I can't imagine how she felt laying there in the NICU with the person she'd spend the last 7 1/2 months with gone. I'm so thankful that she mostly slept. Many times I'd be up at the hospital past 11 at night, just because I couldn't make myself leave. I'd cry on the way to the hospital sometimes, feeling incredible guilt, because I had taken till 10am to get back up there. I bought her so many blankets because that was all I could give her. She barfed so much that she used upwards of six blankets a day, a good day. I was washing giant loads of her blankets every other day, and I couldn't bear not to take them up to her. At first the hospital wrapped her in a horribly faded brown and pink blanket, and they didn't understand why I didn't want her to use it. It wasn't soft enough or cute enough for someone loved as much as my Ilse. I hatched a plan to lose that blanket since it kept showing up at her bed; finally I brought it home to wash it and I never took it back. Someday I'll burn it. :) I know I bought so much stuff for her room to make it up to her that she was in an ugly NICU for a month, and for having medical problems. I made her a tree so that her room wouldn't be ugly.
Most parents have lots of stuff to say to their babies. All I had for the longest time was "Ilse, you're ok! I'm not going to let anything happen to you." Empty words. Now I just remind her that she's mommy's baby. Mommy's baby Ilse. Mommy's peach. Mommy's peachy baby Ilse. :)
Some doctors told me that Ilse was so incredibly behind developmentally. Some nurses ruined the birth day for my family. I left a phone charger up at the Allen hospital, and three months later I still can't make myself go back up to that hospital to get it.
Even though the experience of Ilse's first month was horrible and so far, unforgettable, my Ilse is perfect. She is exactly the way God made her, and she is mine. (Ours, but really mine, since I have the milk, you know.) I know she is God's but he gave her to me and I am going to cherish her, teach her, and I'm determined not to miss another minute of her precious life. She is God's gift to me, and she is daily proof of his love.
I'm so thankful that now she is home where she belongs.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
God works in mysterious ways
Just for anyone who's missed the last eight years of our lives.......
It is so interesting how God has worked all things together.
First, Tim's in school, like, forever.
Then, we're infertile for seven years.
We finally adopt.... and adore our two boys immensely.
Then, I get pregnant right when the.... pardon my French...... PEOPLE in the House and Senate pass that horrendous bill, which contains the massive amount of tax credit for people who adopted.
Now we have money to pay for Ilse's birth, whereas before we would have been in massive debt. (At least, we'll have it if the IRS ever gets going on our tax return.)
Then, I have an easy pregnancy BUT end up having Ilse early because of preeclampsia.
Ilse seems to have issues and lo and behold, she is diagnosed with Smith Lemli Opitz Syndrome, which I laughed at that possibility every time the doctor asked if we wanted to test something, thinking, um..... that's impossible.
Ilse's being born early is such a blessing, because supposedly cholesterol is transmitted to the developing baby during the first and second trimesters, but not the third, so she went very little time without what she needed.
Now Ilse is in the NICU and I am doing more driving than ever before in my life, and I'm thankful we bought a good minivan and that it's summer so Tim is here to help.
People are fond of saying that our lives are like seeing the bottom of a lovely tapestry that God is weaving... that we can only see the ugly stuff. That's not true. I can see this whole chain of events and how God orchestrated it all. I'm sure you can see how everything would have fallen apart if even one piece of this chain were missing.
And even though we have tons of decisions to make and juggling to do (how on EARTH do you feed a baby for 1 and a half hours without moving said baby and get anything else done?!? I have no clue.) we are still so eager to have our precious baby home and get on with life, because honestly, that life will be joyous and amazing, exactly the way God planned it from the foundations of the world.
One other thing on the Ilse front.... the doctor said today that if she keeps spitting up so badly, we are going to do another upper GI to see if the g-tube is blocking something. I know worsened spitting up/vomiting is a risk of the surgery, but this is getting a bit excessive. It's nothing we can't handle, though, as I assured the nurse today. It's amazing to me this other part of the chain of events. I hate eggs, Kim hates eggs, neither of us believe in barfing, and yet....... here we are, with children who need eggs like crazy and children who barf at the drop of a hat a mile away. That is uber funny, and you really do have to look at it that way, because otherwise you'd fall apart.
It is so interesting how God has worked all things together.
First, Tim's in school, like, forever.
Then, we're infertile for seven years.
We finally adopt.... and adore our two boys immensely.
Then, I get pregnant right when the.... pardon my French...... PEOPLE in the House and Senate pass that horrendous bill, which contains the massive amount of tax credit for people who adopted.
Now we have money to pay for Ilse's birth, whereas before we would have been in massive debt. (At least, we'll have it if the IRS ever gets going on our tax return.)
Then, I have an easy pregnancy BUT end up having Ilse early because of preeclampsia.
Ilse seems to have issues and lo and behold, she is diagnosed with Smith Lemli Opitz Syndrome, which I laughed at that possibility every time the doctor asked if we wanted to test something, thinking, um..... that's impossible.
Ilse's being born early is such a blessing, because supposedly cholesterol is transmitted to the developing baby during the first and second trimesters, but not the third, so she went very little time without what she needed.
Now Ilse is in the NICU and I am doing more driving than ever before in my life, and I'm thankful we bought a good minivan and that it's summer so Tim is here to help.
People are fond of saying that our lives are like seeing the bottom of a lovely tapestry that God is weaving... that we can only see the ugly stuff. That's not true. I can see this whole chain of events and how God orchestrated it all. I'm sure you can see how everything would have fallen apart if even one piece of this chain were missing.
And even though we have tons of decisions to make and juggling to do (how on EARTH do you feed a baby for 1 and a half hours without moving said baby and get anything else done?!? I have no clue.) we are still so eager to have our precious baby home and get on with life, because honestly, that life will be joyous and amazing, exactly the way God planned it from the foundations of the world.
One other thing on the Ilse front.... the doctor said today that if she keeps spitting up so badly, we are going to do another upper GI to see if the g-tube is blocking something. I know worsened spitting up/vomiting is a risk of the surgery, but this is getting a bit excessive. It's nothing we can't handle, though, as I assured the nurse today. It's amazing to me this other part of the chain of events. I hate eggs, Kim hates eggs, neither of us believe in barfing, and yet....... here we are, with children who need eggs like crazy and children who barf at the drop of a hat a mile away. That is uber funny, and you really do have to look at it that way, because otherwise you'd fall apart.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
This is the song that is encouraging me today...
especially the bolded parts.
God Can Do Anything
Is there anyone who can ever do
Anything that he wants to do?
Yes, God can, God can do all His holy will!
I'm so glad that God watches over me,
And He always does what is best for me,
And God will, always, do all His holy will.
God never changes, He remains the same;
He has a plan to glorify His name.
Man makes a plan, but God directs his way;
He is doing all His holy will each day!
Is there anyone who can ever do
Anything that he wants to do?
Yes, God can, God can do all His holy will!
I'm so glad that God watches over me,
And He always does what is best for me,
And God will, always, do all His holy will.
We never need to worry or to fear;
God has control of all things far and near.
If we should stand or even if we fall,
God is working out His purpose in it all!
Is there anyone who can ever do
Anything that he wants to do?
Yes, God can, God can do all His holy will!
I'm so glad that God watches over me,
And He always does what is best for me,
And God will, always, do all His holy will.
Yes, God will, always, do all His holy will.
© 1995 Judy Rogers
God Can Do Anything
Is there anyone who can ever do
Anything that he wants to do?
Yes, God can, God can do all His holy will!
I'm so glad that God watches over me,
And He always does what is best for me,
And God will, always, do all His holy will.
God never changes, He remains the same;
He has a plan to glorify His name.
Man makes a plan, but God directs his way;
He is doing all His holy will each day!
Is there anyone who can ever do
Anything that he wants to do?
Yes, God can, God can do all His holy will!
I'm so glad that God watches over me,
And He always does what is best for me,
And God will, always, do all His holy will.
We never need to worry or to fear;
God has control of all things far and near.
If we should stand or even if we fall,
God is working out His purpose in it all!
Is there anyone who can ever do
Anything that he wants to do?
Yes, God can, God can do all His holy will!
I'm so glad that God watches over me,
And He always does what is best for me,
And God will, always, do all His holy will.
Yes, God will, always, do all His holy will.
© 1995 Judy Rogers
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Grief
We're so sad today since sweet Baby Knox has left this earth and has joined his Lord in heaven. We grieve for the Robinson family; they have been through so much this last year, with a miscarriage, a high risk pregnancy, and then the temporary loss of health.... and finally, the temporal loss of their precious son Knox.
We bless God for His gracious, sustaining hand. We weep for our hurting family. We praise God for the gift of His Son, who He sacrificed for us, that we might know Him.
Please, please pray for our family, Hyde, Jess, Tate, and Canon. We praise God for their son Knox. Even though he was only on earth a little while, we know he was God's amazing gift to his family and to all who know them. We'll never forget God's love to them and we recognize that even though this is incredibly difficult, God knows all and is in control of ALL.
Blessed be the name of the Lord!
We bless God for His gracious, sustaining hand. We weep for our hurting family. We praise God for the gift of His Son, who He sacrificed for us, that we might know Him.
Please, please pray for our family, Hyde, Jess, Tate, and Canon. We praise God for their son Knox. Even though he was only on earth a little while, we know he was God's amazing gift to his family and to all who know them. We'll never forget God's love to them and we recognize that even though this is incredibly difficult, God knows all and is in control of ALL.
Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Monday, February 14, 2011
My Friend Jess and God's Truth
I've been thinking about my dear friend Jess. I've known her since 1983, and we've been buds ever since then. We've had our off times, but on the whole, we've been friends since we were 2.
We have a picture of us in 1983 or 84 with our arms around each other, and when we were 15 or 16 we had another picture taken, and voila, we were standing in exactly the same position. Even our fingers were positioned the same.
I've gone to the hospital for all her babies' births, even though for the first two I didn't think she'd ever get to return the favor. I love her very much.
This last pregnancy has been hard on her and her family. It's been high risk, but the Lord has been faithful. After a particularly difficult weekend last weekend, and then bed rest for a week, and then this past weekend, Jess and Hyde have a beautiful little baby boy, Knox. He's tiny since he's very early, but the Lord has His hand on him.
Everything Jess and Hyde went through this last week made me think of a kids' song.
What a Mighty Hand
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
Humble yourselves, humble yourselves
Under God's mighty hand
Humble yourselves, humble yourselves
Under God's mighty hand (What a mighty hand!)
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
For it was He who made you and me
and every creature in the sea
For it was He who made you and me
and every creature in the sea (underneath the sea!)
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand has He.
I don't know who wrote that song, but it got me to thinking about what we consider mighty.
I heard myself saying something on Saturday that I completely disagree with. I told someone that it could have been a really bad day. Well, emotionally, yes. If my friend or her baby had died that day, it would have been a very hard day emotionally.
But it still would have been a good day. It still would have been a day under God's Mighty hand.
Psalm 115:
"Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to Your name give glory, because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth. Why should the nations say, “Where, now, is their God?” But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases. Their idols are silver and gold, the work of man’s hands. They have mouths, but they cannot speak; they have eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but they cannot hear; they have noses, but they cannot smell; they have hands, but they cannot feel; they have feet, but they cannot walk; they cannot make a sound with their throat. Those who make them will become like them, everyone who trusts in them.
O Israel, trust in the LORD ; He is their help and their shield. O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield. You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield. The LORD has been mindful of us; He will bless us; He will bless the house of Israel; He will bless the house of Aaron. He will bless those who fear the LORD, the small together with the great. May the LORD give you increase, you and your children. May you be blessed of the LORD, Maker of heaven and earth. The heavens are the heavens of the LORD, but the earth He has given to the sons of men. The dead do not praise the LORD, nor do any who go down into silence; but as for us, we will bless the LORD from this time forth and forever. Praise the LORD!"
I bolded the part about God doing whatever He pleases. At first thought, that isn't comforting at all. It certainly wasn't comforting when Tim and I were dealing with infertility. However, that doesn't reflect on God or Christianity, instead, it reflects on my own lack of faith and spiritual sight.
Now, however, I can see that it is comforting. Here's why:
John 16:27
"The Father Himself loves YOU."
God loves believers.
And here's my other proof:
Psalm 119:65-68
"You have dealt well with Your servant, O LORD, according to Your word. Teach me good discernment and knowledge, for I believe in Your commandments. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word. You are good and do good; teach me Your statutes."
God does whatever He pleases, and it is good because He is GOOD.
We have a picture of us in 1983 or 84 with our arms around each other, and when we were 15 or 16 we had another picture taken, and voila, we were standing in exactly the same position. Even our fingers were positioned the same.
I've gone to the hospital for all her babies' births, even though for the first two I didn't think she'd ever get to return the favor. I love her very much.
This last pregnancy has been hard on her and her family. It's been high risk, but the Lord has been faithful. After a particularly difficult weekend last weekend, and then bed rest for a week, and then this past weekend, Jess and Hyde have a beautiful little baby boy, Knox. He's tiny since he's very early, but the Lord has His hand on him.
Everything Jess and Hyde went through this last week made me think of a kids' song.
What a Mighty Hand
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
Humble yourselves, humble yourselves
Under God's mighty hand
Humble yourselves, humble yourselves
Under God's mighty hand (What a mighty hand!)
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
For it was He who made you and me
and every creature in the sea
For it was He who made you and me
and every creature in the sea (underneath the sea!)
What a mighty hand, a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand, that calmed the raging sea
What a mighty hand, a hand protecting me
What a mighty hand has He
What a mighty hand has He.
I don't know who wrote that song, but it got me to thinking about what we consider mighty.
I heard myself saying something on Saturday that I completely disagree with. I told someone that it could have been a really bad day. Well, emotionally, yes. If my friend or her baby had died that day, it would have been a very hard day emotionally.
But it still would have been a good day. It still would have been a day under God's Mighty hand.
Psalm 115:
"Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to Your name give glory, because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth. Why should the nations say, “Where, now, is their God?” But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases. Their idols are silver and gold, the work of man’s hands. They have mouths, but they cannot speak; they have eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but they cannot hear; they have noses, but they cannot smell; they have hands, but they cannot feel; they have feet, but they cannot walk; they cannot make a sound with their throat. Those who make them will become like them, everyone who trusts in them.
O Israel, trust in the LORD ; He is their help and their shield. O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield. You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD; He is their help and their shield. The LORD has been mindful of us; He will bless us; He will bless the house of Israel; He will bless the house of Aaron. He will bless those who fear the LORD, the small together with the great. May the LORD give you increase, you and your children. May you be blessed of the LORD, Maker of heaven and earth. The heavens are the heavens of the LORD, but the earth He has given to the sons of men. The dead do not praise the LORD, nor do any who go down into silence; but as for us, we will bless the LORD from this time forth and forever. Praise the LORD!"
I bolded the part about God doing whatever He pleases. At first thought, that isn't comforting at all. It certainly wasn't comforting when Tim and I were dealing with infertility. However, that doesn't reflect on God or Christianity, instead, it reflects on my own lack of faith and spiritual sight.
Now, however, I can see that it is comforting. Here's why:
John 16:27
"The Father Himself loves YOU."
God loves believers.
And here's my other proof:
Psalm 119:65-68
"You have dealt well with Your servant, O LORD, according to Your word. Teach me good discernment and knowledge, for I believe in Your commandments. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word. You are good and do good; teach me Your statutes."
God does whatever He pleases, and it is good because He is GOOD.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Flat Tire
I'm so glad God had Tim stay home from work today. Of course, looking back it seems like it was more my choice than God's, as if that's possible, but nevertheless, it was God, and He certainly had a reason for doing it today.
We were driving to the bank to deposit a check, and a guy flagged us down to tell us our tire was nearly flat. Sure enough, it was. I'm glad that happened early afternoon with Tim with me, instead of on the way to work early in the morning, in the more frigid air. Tim wouldn't have made it to work and would have gotten himself a bad reputation for not showing up, or, I'd have gotten him there and then been stranded, freezing, pregnant and starving.... NOT fun.
But no. Tim was home, so we pulled over, he managed the air machine that turned out to be broken. He then dealt with the nice construction guys who offered to air up the tire for us, and then he got to make the decision about how many new tires we would buy since, by george, it was past time.
And if you know me, there are just a few things that absolutely freak me out. One is not having brakes that work, but we won't talk about THAT one. The other is having bad tires. Oh yes.... that is utterly scary. Terrifying, actually. I've been terrified of driving basically my whole life because I don't trust the tires--- unless they are brand new, and then I only trust them after I've driven a bit and have seen that Discount Tire really did tighten the lug nuts properly. Christopher Nix scared me to death with a story about Mary's Big Brown Building.... that's what Discount almost became because somebody didn't tighten some Mary's lug nuts.
So today we made it to Discount, we got two new tires, and now, at least I am confident in my rear tires.
I'm just so glad Tim was home.
We were driving to the bank to deposit a check, and a guy flagged us down to tell us our tire was nearly flat. Sure enough, it was. I'm glad that happened early afternoon with Tim with me, instead of on the way to work early in the morning, in the more frigid air. Tim wouldn't have made it to work and would have gotten himself a bad reputation for not showing up, or, I'd have gotten him there and then been stranded, freezing, pregnant and starving.... NOT fun.
But no. Tim was home, so we pulled over, he managed the air machine that turned out to be broken. He then dealt with the nice construction guys who offered to air up the tire for us, and then he got to make the decision about how many new tires we would buy since, by george, it was past time.
And if you know me, there are just a few things that absolutely freak me out. One is not having brakes that work, but we won't talk about THAT one. The other is having bad tires. Oh yes.... that is utterly scary. Terrifying, actually. I've been terrified of driving basically my whole life because I don't trust the tires--- unless they are brand new, and then I only trust them after I've driven a bit and have seen that Discount Tire really did tighten the lug nuts properly. Christopher Nix scared me to death with a story about Mary's Big Brown Building.... that's what Discount almost became because somebody didn't tighten some Mary's lug nuts.
So today we made it to Discount, we got two new tires, and now, at least I am confident in my rear tires.
I'm just so glad Tim was home.
Testimony to God's Sovereignty
God is sovereign, and although I doubted it many, many times during our trial of infertility, we've had some amazing proof since that He was always in control.
I've written before about how we wouldn't have gotten our precious boys were it not for the infertility and various other decisions we made, like taking a break from foster care to deal with the depression and other emotions of infertility. The whole situation of getting the boys was proof of God's being in control.
Well, the day we signed the placement papers for the boys, we got another proof of God's sovereignty, and we had it pretty much confirmed last night.
We don't have maternity insurance, and we have no hope of getting any until Tim gets a job. And yet, we will end up getting enough money in our tax return to pay for the baby.
The chain of events that has occurred to make this possible is so incredible, especially since I fought against it nearly every step of the way.
You know what happened?
That horrendous health care bill got passed. Yep, even though I fought it, yelled at the TV all the way through the voting, nearly had a heart attack with the stress of it all.... God is still in control of our government no matter how evil the people are who run it.
You know what was in that bill? Money to everyone who adopts kids. Not just tax credits, but money the government gives you. What a blessing to all who adopted someone!
So had we not been infertile, had we not stopped fostering when we did to deal with infertility, had Obama not gotten elected, had the government actually listened to the people, had we not said 'yes' to the boys (my amazing, precious sons!).... then, when the wonder of wonders happened...... when we got pregnant at the perfect time, GOD'S perfect time, we wouldn't have had the money to pay for the baby.
We are just amazed at how God worked it all out. All the pain, all the anger, all the struggle... still, God knew when the perfect time for the boys' adoption would be, He knew when He would cause a pregnancy that by all accounts wasn't going to happen, and He knew the laws that would be passed to pay for it.
AND, the tax return will probably get here with a few weeks to spare for the birth. What timing. What graciousness. What sovereignty. What faithfulness.
I've written before about how we wouldn't have gotten our precious boys were it not for the infertility and various other decisions we made, like taking a break from foster care to deal with the depression and other emotions of infertility. The whole situation of getting the boys was proof of God's being in control.
Well, the day we signed the placement papers for the boys, we got another proof of God's sovereignty, and we had it pretty much confirmed last night.
We don't have maternity insurance, and we have no hope of getting any until Tim gets a job. And yet, we will end up getting enough money in our tax return to pay for the baby.
The chain of events that has occurred to make this possible is so incredible, especially since I fought against it nearly every step of the way.
You know what happened?
That horrendous health care bill got passed. Yep, even though I fought it, yelled at the TV all the way through the voting, nearly had a heart attack with the stress of it all.... God is still in control of our government no matter how evil the people are who run it.
You know what was in that bill? Money to everyone who adopts kids. Not just tax credits, but money the government gives you. What a blessing to all who adopted someone!
So had we not been infertile, had we not stopped fostering when we did to deal with infertility, had Obama not gotten elected, had the government actually listened to the people, had we not said 'yes' to the boys (my amazing, precious sons!).... then, when the wonder of wonders happened...... when we got pregnant at the perfect time, GOD'S perfect time, we wouldn't have had the money to pay for the baby.
We are just amazed at how God worked it all out. All the pain, all the anger, all the struggle... still, God knew when the perfect time for the boys' adoption would be, He knew when He would cause a pregnancy that by all accounts wasn't going to happen, and He knew the laws that would be passed to pay for it.
AND, the tax return will probably get here with a few weeks to spare for the birth. What timing. What graciousness. What sovereignty. What faithfulness.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Our Lives Intertwined
Hey folks,
While this blog does bear my name, you have not ever seen me write a single post, so here it goes.
Yesterday Emily and I spent a wonderful day together celebrating her birthday. We spent the morning shopping for the boys' Christmas gifts and eating lunch together. It was amazing getting to spend time talking and enjoying each others' company! As I thought about Emma's special day it occurred to me how blessed I am to have known my wife nine wonderful years! The Lord first blessed me with the pleasure of Emily's presence on Oct 5th, 2001 at around 12:30p.m.; we became fast friends and began dating. By Good Friday Emily had received the hearty approval of my two younger brothers (Joseph and Marcus) and I had proposed. May26, 2002, marked our first day as husband and wife. Eight years later I look back with great thankfulness as I see how the Lord has melded and intertwined our lives from even way before our first meeting that wonderful October day. Consequently, to this day the Fall is by far my favorite season for obvious reasons.
We both married very young and were privileged to grow up together in many ways. The Lord has seen fit to sustain us over the years and even in the hardest of times, (my finishing my Degree and the trial of infertility) our love has continued to grow stronger and stronger. Today we are seeing and experiencing the miracle of our Lord's continuous sustaining power through the trials we have faced. I have completed my degree by His grace and as of the 20th of November we will adopt our two wonderful boys! In addition, the Lord has seen fit to end our trial of infertility: We are expecting our third God given child in June! The Lord be praised for His mercy and kindness that is beyond my human comprehension!!!
While this blog does bear my name, you have not ever seen me write a single post, so here it goes.
Yesterday Emily and I spent a wonderful day together celebrating her birthday. We spent the morning shopping for the boys' Christmas gifts and eating lunch together. It was amazing getting to spend time talking and enjoying each others' company! As I thought about Emma's special day it occurred to me how blessed I am to have known my wife nine wonderful years! The Lord first blessed me with the pleasure of Emily's presence on Oct 5th, 2001 at around 12:30p.m.; we became fast friends and began dating. By Good Friday Emily had received the hearty approval of my two younger brothers (Joseph and Marcus) and I had proposed. May26, 2002, marked our first day as husband and wife. Eight years later I look back with great thankfulness as I see how the Lord has melded and intertwined our lives from even way before our first meeting that wonderful October day. Consequently, to this day the Fall is by far my favorite season for obvious reasons.
We both married very young and were privileged to grow up together in many ways. The Lord has seen fit to sustain us over the years and even in the hardest of times, (my finishing my Degree and the trial of infertility) our love has continued to grow stronger and stronger. Today we are seeing and experiencing the miracle of our Lord's continuous sustaining power through the trials we have faced. I have completed my degree by His grace and as of the 20th of November we will adopt our two wonderful boys! In addition, the Lord has seen fit to end our trial of infertility: We are expecting our third God given child in June! The Lord be praised for His mercy and kindness that is beyond my human comprehension!!!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
A Third Child
God is so good to us. First he makes us wait forever for any children. Then he blesses us with two on June 1..... boy, was that labor getting ready for them! The house was a disaster, and I came so close to saying no!!! If Tim had not been home to help me get ready, I would have said no.
BUT GOD knew better and he had Tim home, and we worked our butts off getting ready..... and we have been thanking the Lord every day since for his amazing provision for us.
And now...... here I am about to go to the doctor to beg for some specific medicine, but to get it I have to prove I'm not pregnant.... and viola!!! I AM!!! I guess I don't need the medicine, and five pregnancy tests later it is starting to sink in. It helped to drive around and tell everyone and see the happy faces, and to call certain others and hear the laughter!
This pregnancy will bring us our third child, not our first or second. She, because I'm sure it is a girl, will have two amazing big brothers to teach her wonderful, disgusting things.
This is our third blessing from the Lord, and we are equally thankful for each one!
BUT GOD knew better and he had Tim home, and we worked our butts off getting ready..... and we have been thanking the Lord every day since for his amazing provision for us.
And now...... here I am about to go to the doctor to beg for some specific medicine, but to get it I have to prove I'm not pregnant.... and viola!!! I AM!!! I guess I don't need the medicine, and five pregnancy tests later it is starting to sink in. It helped to drive around and tell everyone and see the happy faces, and to call certain others and hear the laughter!
This pregnancy will bring us our third child, not our first or second. She, because I'm sure it is a girl, will have two amazing big brothers to teach her wonderful, disgusting things.
This is our third blessing from the Lord, and we are equally thankful for each one!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Life Happenings
We have a very fun day planned... I don't know what it is about this weather, but it makes me want to do things!
We are about to head to Hobby Lobby and Michaels. I need to find a scrapbook for my babies. I want to get the pictures and decorations put in there so it can be viewed at the fabulous adoption party Tim and I are planning. We are also going to frame some pics to place around the house, and if I can manage it, I'm going to get an easel and a large poster board with their names and interesting tid bits of info.
I am going to make the party invites, also. I'm going to buy stickers to decorate them with. Tim asked me if the boys were going to do it, and I was like.... ummm, no! :) Is that terrible? Maybe I'm a bad mother, but I really want to make them myself. And then I reconsidered, maybe I'll let them help a bit, because we are definitely going to make one to put on their wall in their room.
Before the party we have to replace the screen door on the back, because the other day Stella charged through it. I think she thought she had to have the little stuffed dog the boys were playing with or something.... and she was half way through the door before she charged backwards, realizing what she had done. She looked quite shocked at herself. So this morning I ghettoed the door and duck taped the screen onto the door. The boys were so funny as they said, "Mommy pitst it." I told them, ummmm, no. I ghettoed it. :) They thought that was funny.
The boys are absolutely fascinated with the bounce house we're going to get for their party. They've been asking to see it so often that I printed it out and put it on the fridge. Now they've changed their request to 'see fire truck on commmmputer... peease??' So cute.
I know I've told the boys about the party waaaaay in advance, but we carefully thought it out and decided that Joey would do better waiting forever than not being prepared for a giant party at his house. Historically he's done pretty poorly even having small groups of family here. We're not taking any chances that he won't have fun. So, he's currently really looking forward to having his cousins and friends here, with his wonderful train cake and Bam-Bam's puppy cake. And... the BOUNCE HOUSE! I don't think he could be any more excited. Telling him this early was absolutely the right thing to do. They also know that the party isn't for two months. 62 sleeps.... wow that's a long time! It will fly by, though, because there are so many other fun things to do in the mean time.
We have Bapaw's barbershop competition this weekend... and we are going to a hotel for it! The boys know there is a cool tv there, a pool, and really good food. And they know they have to be quiet.... no talking during the competition! They will do great.
We are going to the Pumpkin Patch with Ivy and Laura, then we have the fair on the 12th, then I am working the election on November 2 and the boys get to spend the entire day with their daddy. He might order them pizza. That sounds like a good daddy thing to do.
The court is on the 20th of November and the party soon after that. This time will be gone before we know it, and then we can breathe a sigh of relief mingled with extreme thankfulness that the state is out of our home.... at least until we adopt again. And right now the plan is to do that sooner rather than later! We want to add to our family and then add again. We'll see if that's what God wants as well. We know that he will bring us the perfect kids, just as he did this time.
Well, this was a horrendously long post, but since I'm off facebook, I've been lacking that periodic status update that lets me update on what is going on over here and what I am thinking. So now, it's in one post. :) Until later!
Oh.... one other thing. We have a new nephew! I've yet to see a picture, but his name is Truman Shepherd. Very upstanding and distinguished. He needs to write scholarly papers or something.
I'm sure he's a cutie.
We are about to head to Hobby Lobby and Michaels. I need to find a scrapbook for my babies. I want to get the pictures and decorations put in there so it can be viewed at the fabulous adoption party Tim and I are planning. We are also going to frame some pics to place around the house, and if I can manage it, I'm going to get an easel and a large poster board with their names and interesting tid bits of info.
I am going to make the party invites, also. I'm going to buy stickers to decorate them with. Tim asked me if the boys were going to do it, and I was like.... ummm, no! :) Is that terrible? Maybe I'm a bad mother, but I really want to make them myself. And then I reconsidered, maybe I'll let them help a bit, because we are definitely going to make one to put on their wall in their room.
Before the party we have to replace the screen door on the back, because the other day Stella charged through it. I think she thought she had to have the little stuffed dog the boys were playing with or something.... and she was half way through the door before she charged backwards, realizing what she had done. She looked quite shocked at herself. So this morning I ghettoed the door and duck taped the screen onto the door. The boys were so funny as they said, "Mommy pitst it." I told them, ummmm, no. I ghettoed it. :) They thought that was funny.
The boys are absolutely fascinated with the bounce house we're going to get for their party. They've been asking to see it so often that I printed it out and put it on the fridge. Now they've changed their request to 'see fire truck on commmmputer... peease??' So cute.
I know I've told the boys about the party waaaaay in advance, but we carefully thought it out and decided that Joey would do better waiting forever than not being prepared for a giant party at his house. Historically he's done pretty poorly even having small groups of family here. We're not taking any chances that he won't have fun. So, he's currently really looking forward to having his cousins and friends here, with his wonderful train cake and Bam-Bam's puppy cake. And... the BOUNCE HOUSE! I don't think he could be any more excited. Telling him this early was absolutely the right thing to do. They also know that the party isn't for two months. 62 sleeps.... wow that's a long time! It will fly by, though, because there are so many other fun things to do in the mean time.
We have Bapaw's barbershop competition this weekend... and we are going to a hotel for it! The boys know there is a cool tv there, a pool, and really good food. And they know they have to be quiet.... no talking during the competition! They will do great.
We are going to the Pumpkin Patch with Ivy and Laura, then we have the fair on the 12th, then I am working the election on November 2 and the boys get to spend the entire day with their daddy. He might order them pizza. That sounds like a good daddy thing to do.
The court is on the 20th of November and the party soon after that. This time will be gone before we know it, and then we can breathe a sigh of relief mingled with extreme thankfulness that the state is out of our home.... at least until we adopt again. And right now the plan is to do that sooner rather than later! We want to add to our family and then add again. We'll see if that's what God wants as well. We know that he will bring us the perfect kids, just as he did this time.
Well, this was a horrendously long post, but since I'm off facebook, I've been lacking that periodic status update that lets me update on what is going on over here and what I am thinking. So now, it's in one post. :) Until later!
Oh.... one other thing. We have a new nephew! I've yet to see a picture, but his name is Truman Shepherd. Very upstanding and distinguished. He needs to write scholarly papers or something.
I'm sure he's a cutie.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Our God is a Sovereign God
I have to tell on myself to write this post, so I'm going for it even if it makes me look bad. :)
Sunday night Tim and I stayed up really late. We haven't been doing that lately, actually, but with me suffering with allergies, my sleep patterns have gotten messed up lately. Tim had taken a nap when he came home from work since he didn't feel well either, and by the time we went to bed, he had about two and a half hours to sleep before he was going to have to get up to look for a job.
I told him he should just stay home. It would make things a bit more difficult this summer, (since he's not getting paid during summer months, you know), but I thought it would be ok. I told him and told him, but he stood firm... he was going to get up and look for a job, and then go to work. Well, that was what he needed to do, I knew, but I felt bad for him. So I decided I wasn't going to remind him to set the alarm. And I told him, too, that I wondered what helping vs. hindering was... was I helping him get more sleep by not reminding him to set the alarm or was I hindering him? I knew I was hindering, but I was happy to take my medicine if it would help him to have more sleep.
Well, then it was prayer time. And Tim prays and prays about the sovereignty of God. It was a good reminder, and Tim and I talked about the work issue again. And I told Tim that I didn't know if how his staying home tomorrow was from my hand or God's (since I was surely misbehaving by not reminding him about the alarm). Tim assured me that, no matter what, whatever happened, and it was going to be going to work, it was from God's hand.
Well, I still didn't say anything about the alarm, and I told Tim that he WAS going to be staying home. Neither of us was upset with each other, just playing around.
What do you know. Even though I was determined to keep him home, and even though the alarm did not go off at 5:30am so Tim could get up and look for a job, the phone rang. At 7:15 the phone rang with an offer for a job a WEEK LONG. And at Plano East, for Special Ed, for this chick who is going on bed rest. (As an aside, there's an awful lot of pregnancy going around. It's everywhere, man.)
Talk about God's sovereignty. No matter what I did, reminding about the alarm clock, or whatever, God still had a plan and it was a good plan.
So that's what amazed me this week.
Sunday night Tim and I stayed up really late. We haven't been doing that lately, actually, but with me suffering with allergies, my sleep patterns have gotten messed up lately. Tim had taken a nap when he came home from work since he didn't feel well either, and by the time we went to bed, he had about two and a half hours to sleep before he was going to have to get up to look for a job.
I told him he should just stay home. It would make things a bit more difficult this summer, (since he's not getting paid during summer months, you know), but I thought it would be ok. I told him and told him, but he stood firm... he was going to get up and look for a job, and then go to work. Well, that was what he needed to do, I knew, but I felt bad for him. So I decided I wasn't going to remind him to set the alarm. And I told him, too, that I wondered what helping vs. hindering was... was I helping him get more sleep by not reminding him to set the alarm or was I hindering him? I knew I was hindering, but I was happy to take my medicine if it would help him to have more sleep.
Well, then it was prayer time. And Tim prays and prays about the sovereignty of God. It was a good reminder, and Tim and I talked about the work issue again. And I told Tim that I didn't know if how his staying home tomorrow was from my hand or God's (since I was surely misbehaving by not reminding him about the alarm). Tim assured me that, no matter what, whatever happened, and it was going to be going to work, it was from God's hand.
Well, I still didn't say anything about the alarm, and I told Tim that he WAS going to be staying home. Neither of us was upset with each other, just playing around.
What do you know. Even though I was determined to keep him home, and even though the alarm did not go off at 5:30am so Tim could get up and look for a job, the phone rang. At 7:15 the phone rang with an offer for a job a WEEK LONG. And at Plano East, for Special Ed, for this chick who is going on bed rest. (As an aside, there's an awful lot of pregnancy going around. It's everywhere, man.)
Talk about God's sovereignty. No matter what I did, reminding about the alarm clock, or whatever, God still had a plan and it was a good plan.
So that's what amazed me this week.
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