Parenting and School

Today I feel like I don't know what on earth I'm doing with my kids.  I feel like I have a handle on Joey.  I understand his issues and I understand him.  We are so similar so I feel like I know exactly what to say.  

It's Chris who confuses me.  I don't know what makes him tick.  I love him but I feel like I don't know him at all.  When I had to write the letter to his teacher to help her understand him a bit more, I had no idea what to say.  I just sat there and stared at the computer.

I have so many emotions about this.  I'm confused and I'm angry that those first years where the mom learns the child and the child learns the mom were stolen, from both him and me!  

Chris has been extremely willful at school.  He is doing what he first did when he came to live with us.  I told us "I don't want to say 'bump bump!'"  We laugh about it now, and I guess that's the wrong thing to do since he's doing it at school.  I don't think this has anything to do with adoption issues or anything like that.  I think it's just plain ol' naughtiness.  

And I can talk myself down and tell myself, Hey, Emma, it's just going to take time for him to learn to obey.  This is normal.  But then I remember how well he obeys here at home and I remember how hard we have worked to teach him what obeying is and to do it cheerfully, and how he does obey cheerfully here at home, and I just get angry that he isn't trying to do what is right at school.

And what's worse (to me) is that he comes home and doesn't act like he cares at all.  He only will apologize if I stare him down (but I shouldn't have to do that!) or if Joey apologizes and Chris hears him.  And I just don't understand not feeling bad/guilty that you disobeyed and someone is upset at you.  I don't get that at all.  

And then I second guess myself.  What if he does feel guilty but he doesn't know what to do about it?  And then I know that that isn't true.... he has seen it modeled over and over and over and he just refuses to do it.

I'm just so upset about it today.  

Parenting is easy sometimes and super hard other times  Super, super hard.  

I don't know how to get to know my son.  I don't know why I feel like I don't know him.  And I wonder if he feels like he doesn't know me.  And then I want to cry but I am still just a bit too angry to be too upset, and that makes me even more upset.  I don't like feeling confused and like I have no idea what I'm doing.

Oh, parenting.